Wendy Meets Distant Family in Southern China--Thoughts, Part 1: Gender Roles

I just got back from one of the strangest familial interactions of this entire trip (possibly the strangest, but it's tough competition since there have been some pretty strange family interactions in the past few weeks).

Chinese culture is very patriarchal, as you may have been able to guess. Men sit around a table, sipping their tea, munching on snacks, while the women are in the kitchen preparing the food, pouring the tea, and cleaning up. And I am in a particularly odd situation. Would this happen at home, I'd probably be the one in the kitchen, offering to help, and definitely expected to help. But here, it's a little bit different, since I'm the guest. Not only that, but I'm the only guest, so there's no one to diffuse the good mannered-ness and politeness among (there is probably a better word for that, but I can't think of it right now. and it really seems like a chinese word would be more appropriate in this situation).

This is probably the first time in my life where I've had to act like an adult in a family situation, since I'm the only one here to represent my immediate family. Usually, as the fourth child, I get to run away from these familial obligations to the kids' room and just watch the 5 year olds play video games. And it's an especially awkward situation as I am young (22 years old as compared to the middle aged people around me) but not so young that I need someone else to speak for me (and seeing as how I'm completely alone in this situation, I literally have no one else to speak for me), and as I am an unmarried woman (I don't know how many times I've been asked if I have a boyfriend, especially when I bring up me meeting a "friend"). (And it seems so much that the defining act which makes one become an adult is, marriage.)

It's just been weird for me, in these interactions, because I feel very much the outsider. And I'm sure it has something to do with me being an American, and me being young, but the more I think about it, I realize it has very much to do with me being a woman. The table isn't set for me. It's set for the middle-aged Chinese men, who sit, have their food cooked for them, smoke their cigarettes around their babies who have their asses wiped for them by these men's wives, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, daughters even, I mean, any woman really, just not themselves.

I sit and observe and feel awkward and think, "Wow, this is exactly what happens in Chinese American families in the States too." I've often thought that the awkwardness of those sit-in-the-living-room-with-the-tv-on-in-the-background-sipping-tea-while-the-kids-are-making-a-fuss conversations was somehow a result of the interaction happening in the United States instead of in Asia, somehow a result of the immigration process. But it's not. It's just as awkward here in China.

Tonight I had a chance to sit at the big boys' table, to be a member of the boys' club of middle-aged Chinese men. I was given one of only 6 available wine glasses, and served wine by women my own mother's age and ganbei'd (cheers'd) glass after glass after glass of wine. I was a guest in the house, so I was served. 5 of the men in the house were guests, so they were served. But I sat silently as I watched 3 of the women in the house who were also guests, in the kitchen slicing apples, preparing tea, serving tea, wiping off tables, as I and the men sat and slowly got drunk and smoked cigarettes around their babies.

And now I feel sick to my stomach. I'm sure it had to do with the fact that the first bottle of wine we drank had gone sour (and had practically become vinegar), but no one in the place dared to admit that the wine that had been sitting for years (the cork broke upon opening = bad sign) had gone bad. Ironically, thanks to patriarchal norms, I get to pull the woman card and say that I couldn't drink that much (when quite honestly, I could probably outdrink most of these men). It's just unreal.

And moments like this make me think of my own future, and whether or not I'll have a family someday, and if I do, how I envision that family to be. I very much want to raise a "Chinese family," whatever that means. Chinese culture has become very important to me, but I do not want to be a part of the continuation of patriarchal practices (ie. I refuse to be the mother in the kitchen cooking food for my full grown son as he literally sits at the dinner table criticizing me for the food not being hot enough and requesting soy sauce for his bland chicken when he can very well cook his damn dinner and get his own damned soy sauce while slowly giving me cancer from his second-hand smoke. I bring up this example because I saw it happen).

And at the end of the day all I think is, These women are strong as hell. I hope someday to be half as strong as these women are. To be put through so much, and to have the patience for the men in their lives, and to still love and give their children all their hearts, it's awe-inspiring and a bit heart-breaking. The best that I can do is tell these women the food they've given me has filled me up but I can't ever express how much more it's provided me.

I am lucky and privileged, and sometimes I need to remind myself that.

Whose sister is so thoughtful it hurts?

That, would be my sister. Check out the spread below of the awesome goodies my sister sent me in a care package, only the best thing I've received in the mail, ever.


FOOD! She sent me food! I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I was actually really really craving that microwave cake thing. If you didn't know, I have a majorly soft spot for super disgusting processed junked food; I'm kinda obsessed. So tonight for dinner, I had mac and cheese, canned tuna salad, and hot chocolate. Mmmmmm. I'm going to save the cake for a special occasion.

My sister is way thoughtful. I mean who would read an email from me saying, "It's so cold here and my skin is so dry that my hands are actually starting to crack and bleed," and think, "Send that woman some hand cream!" And who would webcam with me, see a disgusting cold sore on my upper lip, ask, "Ew, what's that on your lip?" and then send me some ScarZone! to reduce scarring on my lip. And who would send a portrait of themselves, in fact the same portrait that covers our entire refrigerator back at home? Yep. Only my sister. :)

Oh yeah,. I forgot to include this in the photo, but I also got different kinds of Chinese medicine with post-its on each one. Each of the post-its had things like, "Mom says buy this for colds," "Mom says buy this for sore throats." That's right, my mother sent me Chinese medicine from the States, to me in China so that I can show the packaging to someone in a store to buy it for me.

Are we noticing a pattern here? Yes, my family thinks I get sick a lot. And it's true.

They also love me a lot, which makes me happy. And makes me miss them a lot.

CAUTION: This will be the cutest thing you will ever see.

This video actually has nothing to do with China, but it is wayy too cute. And I am celebrating the return of youtube in China! So enjoy. P.S. The baby is my niece Lily.