The day we've all been waiting for...

08.08.08

Tonight at 8:08pm is the start of the Opening Ceremony of the 2008 Summer Olympics. This past year has been a crazy one, living in Beijing and watching this city prepare for, what many consider, the biggest and most important event for modern China.

Yesterday, I went to the Olympic torch relay near Ditan Park in Beijing. My friends and I arrived at the park early in the morning, only to be told that the torch wouldn't get to the park until 5 or 6 pm (since its route that morning included parts of the Great Wall and other suburbs of Beijing). I returned alone at 2:30pm to wait.

And let me tell you, it was a MESS. First it started out fine, with a sparse crowd sitting on curbs. Eventually they put out the police tape, made us stand, and then came the stupidest idea ever. The police announced that we'd all have to move across the street, so of course people started RUNNING across the street and I was nearly stepped all over. But once we got across the street, no one directed us, so the giant mob moved back ACROSS the street. After lots of pushing and manhandling from the police, the crowd moved onto the steps across the street. Later, I learned that we wouldn't even see the torch, since the relay would take place solely inside the park (that no one had access to), and that we were all waiting to see the caravan of Olympic vehicles. This meant that whenever any "nice looking cars" (read Hummers, Audi's, tour buses, and camouflaged military-looking vehicles) passed, the crowd would stir and push past the chain of security guards holding us back.



It was definitely a China moment. It's every person for themselves as people are nudging and elbowing you in the back, trying to get past you to see something that's probably not very interesting in the first place. Contributing to the China moment was the fact that most people couldn't see anything past the back of the person's head in front of us (since most of us ranged in the 5 foot to 5 foot 6 inches tall range). Just another reason I love China.

China is just an all around ridiculous country. Full of contradictions and hypocritical reasoning. Last Sunday (Aug. 3), a friend and I visited Jingshan Park, which is a park with a peak overlooking the Forbidden City. I think we chose the best day in the year to go because the sky was soo clear, we could see as far out as the 4th and 5th Rings of Beijing, as well as the mountains surrounding Beijing on 3 sides (Let me just tell you, that up until that day the pollution was so awful that, I hadn't realized Beijing was near ANY mountains).



I have to say that the mentality of the Chinese government (which is then fed to the overall Chinese population via its state controlled media) is often one of a proclaimed victim. When you talk about people choosing to boycott the Olympic games, rather than address the issues people have objections with (Tibet, Darfur, human rights, censorship, etc), people essentially respond with, "Why are people picking on China? We have never done anything to your country, why can't you just leave us alone? We are a calm and peaceful people. How can you be so cruel as to criticize us during a year when thousands of our people died in a terrible earthquake?"

When you accuse China of having pollution problems, rather than come straight out and say, "Yes we have problems and we're trying our best to solve them," the media has a roundabout way of talking about the minute improvements that have been made, and make excuses. The other day I read an article about how the air quality has been improving overall and that recently it just looks like there's worse pollution because of a haze caused by an unusual amount of rain in Beijing in the past weeks, with no wind to blow it away. An unusual amount of rain you say? Hmmmm.... maybe this has a little something to do with those silver iodide pellets the government's been releasing in the air to INDUCE rain to wash the pollution out of the air.

I mean, I'm not saying this is a completely ineffectual idea. Actually, I've seen blue skies as a result of government created rainstorms. (This photo has not been digitally altered at all).



Sometimes when I write on this blog, I feel like I need to put up a disclaimer. This disclaimer being that since moving to Beijing, I have become extremely biased, in favor of the Chinese government. I try my hardest to remain critical, but when it comes down to it, I love China.

In the past two weeks, I've seen the introduction of the odd-even license plate driving restrictions (which has created even larger crowds on the subways, and only made a dent in reducing gridlock traffic), mandatory bag checks in subway terminals and some buses, I.D. checks for every Chinese-looking person entering school campuses (I find it ironic that anyone with a white face can stroll right into my campus without having identification, but I get stopped without fail, every time). I've seen hordes of Olympic volunteers in their blue and yellow t-shirts sweltering in their Olympic volunteer booths in the summer heat (Some of the booths have a scale you can use to weight yourself. Why? I still haven't figured out), and taxi drivers in their new bright yellow collared shirt uniforms.

Also, a new addition to Beijing, are enormous pro-Beijing Olympic posters/billboards. You can find them all over the city. At first I liked them, so colorful, and shiny and new, and festive, to get you in the mood for the games. Then I read this article about the government putting up these walls in front of people's homes and businesses which they consider to be an "eyesore" to the city. Read the article, it will break your heart. And it's stories like this, that make me want to slap the CCP in the back of the head, because my love for China stems from a love for the people. And when I read about the Chinese government displacing people from their homes without providing an alternative, passive-aggressively building walls in front of family owned businesses (which are more than likely also the business owners' home), it angers me that the CCP has no respect for its people.

China is a complicated issue. I'm sure some of you have wondered whether I would be boycotting the Olympic games. The answer is No, I won't be. But not because I don't see the connection between China, the Olympics, and human rights issues, not because I think the Olympics is/should be an apolitical event (in fact, having had experience organizing boycott campaigns, I think using the Olympics is actually great leverage). But the reason I am not boycotting the Olympics is because boycotting the games would call into question my entire existence here in China (the work that I'm doing and my newfound Chinese nationalism), and that's not something I'm ready for right now. I know that's not really an answer, but it's all I have right now.

So get ready for future posts with pictures of me smiling in front of the Bird's Nest cuz I'm going to the Olympic Games!

Less than a month until the Olympics...

and security is TIGHT.

Having lived in Beijing for the past 10 months (and for 4 months back in 2005 while I was studying abroad), I've been tracking the changes this city has been undergoing in preparation for the Olympics.

Back when I was studying abroad, I heard these rumors that the government was going to put a ban on all construction starting a year prior to the Olympics in order to decrease pollution in the air. Slowly that deadline became 6 months. Then 1 month. And now with less than 30 days until the Opening Ceremonies, construction is still going at full force. If anything, contractors are in a furious and mad dash to finish up their projects before the start of the Olympics. (The new rumored deadline is July 20, a mere 3 weeks until the Games begin).

Along with the postponement of this supposed "construction ban," us Beijing residents have simultaneously been teased with the opening dates of the new city subway lines. June 1. June 30. July 20. I've already been convinced that these dates are purely arbitrary. In terms of being up to par with other major metropolitan cities, the Beijing subway system has quite a ways to go. There are only 5 subways lines open right now, and Beijing is very similar to L.A. in that the city is all sprawl. The city is huge, and expansive, and traffic is horrible all the time. It takes literally 2 hours to get from one end of the city to the other via subway. Though 3 additional subway lines are in the works (including an airport expressway), who knows when those will actually be finished since it was also rumored that these subway lines would be open by the Olympics. But again, no dice.

What I really want to talk about is security.

In the past few weeks, I've noticed increased security in lots of areas. Most notably the airport, which is understandable. Standards of security here at the new Terminal 3 (the largest in the world, btw) are so ridiculous, that I would almost compare it to levels experienced in the States (And unfortunately, even in China, it's the brown folk who get "randomly" chosen for searches most frequently here as well).

New additions in the past few weeks are the bag scanners at every subway terminal, and the dozens of uniformed guards waiting to stop and search you. Signs are posted here saying we can't take firearms, explosives, knives, or (my favorite) firecrackers on the subway. And even on my way back to campus one night, I got stopped at the gate by a guard and was asked to show my student i.d. card (which I of course don't have, considering I'm not a student).

I've heard stories of other foreigners being stopped by officials. And police officers doing random searches of apartment buildings and taxi cabs, trying to catch people who are overstaying their visas, or working on a tourist visa, etc.

Among other ridiculous stories I've heard about increased security measures for the Olympics, my boss told me the other day that the Chinese government was preventing people (and suspicious cargo) from entering Beijing via car by increasing the number of guards at the Beijing border. Now that doesn't sound so ridiculous right? Well the absurd part is that the guards have been instructed to "keep people happy." So instead of just outrightly denying cars entry, the guards have been instructed to simply give the cars the wrong directions, so that they end up driving loops around Beijing, without actually entering, until they get so tired of driving that they decide to go home. Yes, my boss actually told me this.

My boss (and others) also told me that there are missiles at the Olympic bird's nest stadium. Missiles. So that if somebody decides to attack the stadium during the Games, China can quickly retaliate and "protect" itself. It all seems counterproductive to me, but leave it to China to use missiles to solve the problem. (But, in defense of China, Athens also had "safety" missiles in place for their 2004 Olympics as well (FMI, google: Beijing Olympics missiles)).

Madness. This country is pure madness.

In case you needed more doses of madness, in the past few weeks the government also used rocket launchers to shoot iodide into the clouds to make it rain, you know, to clear the skies up. (Beijing is a dry city, it doesn't typically rain in the early summer). And now they're having drills to see if they can prevent possible future rain (since it does rain in Beijing in the late summer, read: during the Olympic games). So the current plan is to shoot iodide into the rain clouds before they move above Beijing, so that no rain will actually reach Beijing.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like weather is one of those things that you don't want to mess with.

Cultural exchange like whoa

Earlier this week, I taught my students how to FLOSS.

We were doing a lesson on daily routines. I talked about how it is quite common for Americans to brush their teeth in the middle of the day, after lunch. And that some Americans even floss after lunch. I asked the class if anyone brushed their teeth or flossed after lunch, knowing full well the answer would be No.

Then I asked the class if they ever flossed. They all shook their heads and said No. One student, Lisa, said, "Chinese people don't floss!" I asked her why that is. She said, "Nobody has ever taught us! So we don't know how to. I want to floss! But I can't because I don't know how."

So during the break, I got some floss and some mirrors, and I taught them how to floss. I don't think they enjoyed it. One of my students, Allan, started bleeding (I warned them that might happen the first time!) One of my students even explained that she didn't floss because she thought flossing created gaps between your teeth. I argued flossing doesn't create the gaps, flossing just removes the tartar so that you can actually see the gaps clearly.

Beijing, you're so polluted, you make me mad.

The moment I step outside, I feel like I'm being pelted by debris. It's in my eyes, up my nose, in the back of my throat. And it feels gritty and dirty. Now I completely understand why old Chinese men are constantly hocking up loogies onto the street. They're EATING the pollution! I don't know how anyone has clear skin here. I'm constantly breaking out. Not pretty. It's so smoky and dusty all the time, I feel like I'm inhaling smoke all the time.

So the Chinese government recently issued a ban on smoking. Beginning May 1st, no more smoking in... SCHOOLS and HOSPITALS! Are you kidding me?! You mean it was actually okay to smoke in schools and hospitals prior to this ban?! They initially wanted to ban smoking in restaurants and bars too, but the business owners got pissy. I guess it's a step in the right direction at least.

And now that it's spring, add pollen and mysterious white puffs (from trees that aren't close enough to be seen), and it's hell for every orifice on my face. I might have to start wearing goggles around outside. And my face feels so gross from the sweat and the heat, and it's not even humid yet. Lovely. I can't wait for summer.

Remember to cut me some slack if next time you see me, my face is covered in pocks and flecks (actual phrasing on Chinese acne medication).

Weekend getaway in Tianjin

I took a trip to Tianjin (the municipality that borders Beijing, an hour away) last weekend. Here are the videos from the trip.

It all started with the madness in the subway station as I was trying to get to the railway station. Needless to say, I missed my train and had to wait for the next one.



This is Friday morning rush hour on the Beijing subway system. Notice the crowds and crowds of people. Nope, they're not waiting for tickets for the Celine Dion concert, they're just waiting for their turn to shove onto the subway. As the Chinese would say, people mountain people sea (translation: It's a sea of people, and a crowd of people as high as a mountain). Taken on March 21, 2008. Sihui East subway station in Beijing.


One of the notable characteristics of Tianjin is the construction that is ongoing everywhere! It's even crazier than Beijing!


Warning: I took this video while walking, so it's very very shaky. I take no responsibility if you get dizzy from watching this video. I mean, you probably will, so I apologize in advance. And a sidenote: The woman at the end is picking out and sorting the good bricks so that they can be used again in another building. Taken on March 21, 2008 during my weekend trip to TianJin, China.


At one of the various tourist spots in Tianjin.


Outside the Drum Tower in TianJin, I found an old man using a large brush and water, practicing traditional Chinese calligraphy on the ground. His writing is absolutely gorgeous, and I was pretty mesmerized just watching him write so beautifully with such ease. A crowd formed to watch him. The building at the end is the drum tower. Taken on March 21, 2008 in Tianjin, China.

My life does not exist in a vacuum

It's been over a month since my last post. A lot has happened since, and I've been trying my best to process all that is going on around me. I have to admit that I've been silent for a while because I have been struggling to find the words to describe the amazing experience I had last month, when I connected with distant family in Southern China.

But today, I decided that it's important for me to brush off the laziness, and write.

If you've been following the news, you'll know that starting last Monday, there were anti-China protests going on in Tibet. The protests have escalated into rioting, and the Chinese government has issued a curfew in Lhasa, warning people to stay indoors for the next few DAYS.

But what you probably don't know, is the Chinese government's spin on this whole thing. First of all, the coverage of the protests is extremely extremely minimal. The story is briefly mentioned and is talked about as if the situation has been completely resolved (the few stories recently published focus on the cleaning up of debris in the streets and the reopening of shops, as well as quotes from residents expressing the sheer normalcy of their lives).

Not only that, but the news reports also put all the negative focus on the rioters, portraying them as unreasonable, lawless individuals whose only motivation is to disturb the peaceful lives of those living in Tibet. There is no discussion of the protesters' political aims, and absolutely no mention of the aggressive actions of the Chinese military force. In fact, the Chinese police force are seen as innocent victims of the unruly protesters/rioters.

Probably the scariest part of this situation is how absolutely powerful the Chinese government is. The government announced that all protesting in Tibet and neighboring regions must end by midnight on Sunday (or else). (The "or else" is of my own adding, but it is very obviously implied by the decree). This really frightens me, because well, 1989 has already shown us what the Chinese government is capable of when they threaten "or else." They ain't bluffing; that's for sure.

So in my attempts to educate myself further in this topic, I've encountered as many problems as I expected to. Surprise surprise, all pages regarding Tibet are "inaccessible."

I've often talked about this casually in the past, but as you know, China has got a national firewall. This means, the Chinese government is constantly monitoring internet usage and actively censoring websites they deem inappropriate. I am not even exaggerating when I say that I am legitimately scared about what I write in this blog. (I guess the only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that all blogspot web addresses are already censored anyways! Though I really shouldn't joke about this. In the past, Chinese bloggers have gotten in serious serious trouble for criticizing the government in their personal blogs. So yes, I am actually a little scared.)

So what are some websites that are blocked in China, Wendy? Well, BBC News, youtube (sometimes), xanga, blogspot, all pages related to controversial Chinese topics (I won't list them here, since obviously the searches are keywords based, but I feel that they're pretty obvious) (and when I say all pages, I mean if you went to Google and searched for a controversial topic, you wouldn't even get any pages related to that topic in your search results), and most notably, Wikipedia. Access by anyone to any information, for free?? The government knows just how dangerous that can be.

And nearly every day I am reminded that I absolutely do not understand this country. And I make no claims to even begin understanding China. This country just functions on a completely different level than the U.S. It's something that cannot be put into words; it's just something that needs to be experienced.

I guess my conclusion to all this is that when it comes to authority in China, there is definitely an absolute right/wrong. And those authority figures really do take a "by any means necessary" attitude when it comes to enforcement. It's a kind of unwavering, clear-cut, and narrowly defined concept of right and wrong, of actions in violation and actions in obedience with the law (social laws and norms included). Based on history, and based on my own experiences here in Beijing (with security guards and police officers and domestic violence), I will say that I am deeply frightened by the amount/strength of force this country can inflict on human beings, simply in the exercise of power. I am even more frightened by the fact that I wholeheartedly believe that this country will really do whatever the fuck it takes to keep its people in line.

I'm not really sure what flavor kool-aid I was sipping when I went through my Chinese nationalist phase, but it's definitely worn off. And now for the first time, I'm taking a real hard look at all the issues China has in regards to violation of human rights. And I've got to say, I don't entirely know how I feel about being in this country. But who am I to talk really? I am a citizen, after all, of a country whose president recently vetoed a ban on the use of torture in CIA interrogations.

**Crossing my fingers hoping I seriously won't regret publishing this post when the Chinese feds come knocking on my door**

Whose sister is so thoughtful it hurts?

That, would be my sister. Check out the spread below of the awesome goodies my sister sent me in a care package, only the best thing I've received in the mail, ever.


FOOD! She sent me food! I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I was actually really really craving that microwave cake thing. If you didn't know, I have a majorly soft spot for super disgusting processed junked food; I'm kinda obsessed. So tonight for dinner, I had mac and cheese, canned tuna salad, and hot chocolate. Mmmmmm. I'm going to save the cake for a special occasion.

My sister is way thoughtful. I mean who would read an email from me saying, "It's so cold here and my skin is so dry that my hands are actually starting to crack and bleed," and think, "Send that woman some hand cream!" And who would webcam with me, see a disgusting cold sore on my upper lip, ask, "Ew, what's that on your lip?" and then send me some ScarZone! to reduce scarring on my lip. And who would send a portrait of themselves, in fact the same portrait that covers our entire refrigerator back at home? Yep. Only my sister. :)

Oh yeah,. I forgot to include this in the photo, but I also got different kinds of Chinese medicine with post-its on each one. Each of the post-its had things like, "Mom says buy this for colds," "Mom says buy this for sore throats." That's right, my mother sent me Chinese medicine from the States, to me in China so that I can show the packaging to someone in a store to buy it for me.

Are we noticing a pattern here? Yes, my family thinks I get sick a lot. And it's true.

They also love me a lot, which makes me happy. And makes me miss them a lot.

beijing is a little bizarre at times.

Today was xmas eve in Beijing. Another teacher, Brandy, and I went to an Italian restaurant named Annie's Italian Experience. I had awesome penne with creamy white sauce, a Caesar salad, bread dipped in oil, vinegar and pesto, a glass of white wine, and one of the best tiramisu's I've had in my entire life. All for about 10 US dollars. It was really really awesome. And the plate of pasta was so huge that I have leftovers that I am going to eat for breakfast tomorrow, woohoo!

After dinner, Brandy and I went to this bar called the People's Bus Bar, which was pretty much a trailer in a parking lot converted to a bar. They had 10 kuai (= $1.35 USD) giant mugs of draft beer and the dj was spinning an awesome mix of reggaeton and hip-hop, my fave.

So in case you didn't know, there is no legal drinking age in China. That means, little kids as young as five (or 1 even) can buy beer (and presumably drink it), though most shopkeepers simply assume that a five year old is buying beer for parents, and not guzzling the stuff themselves. Anyhow, I mention that because at the bar that we were in, there was a 3 year old tottering around. YES! At 11pm, someone brought a 3 year old in a BAR! I'm pretty sure her parents were wasted, and the little 3 year old was running around the dance floor hugging people. The kid was sooo cute, I wanted to dance with her.

So, I checked the weather for Beijing today on weather.com and the weather condition for today in Beijing is... SMOKE. No joke. I mean, I've seen Partly Cloudy, Sunny, Windy, Showers, etc. but never ever in my entire life have I seen SMOKE as a weather condition. Seriously? That's ridiculous. I had to copy and paste it just to prove to everyone it's true. And yep, it's cold in Beijing (though that's the temperature for the middle of the night and the wee early morning; usually we're in the 30s or 40s during the day.).






Also, on the way to dinner tonight I saw a car on the highway that was smoking and on fire! It was absolutely crazy.

Other random events of the day/night: I found a Coldstone ice cream place in Beijing! I wandered around a fancy schmance hotel (China World Hotel). And I went to a swing dance club earlier tonight!

i'm feeling good.

I'm feeling great. No more homesickness. No more annoyance (okay, well, less annoyance). No more depression. Still confused, but that's expected. I've been keeping in touch with my family a lot recently, which is making me happy. I'm excited about being able to go home for my sister's wedding (I'll be in L.A. and in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico during Memorial Day weekend). I'm not sick anymore! (well technically I still have a dry cough, but it's not as bad as being sick and having a cold sore). I just cleaned my room, so now I have a nice serene environment to be in. And I've found a friend here that I really like hanging out with. So things in the life of Wendy are going well.

I was also put in charge of (against my will of course) planning a holiday concert at my school, where all the students performed Christmas songs. I didn't volunteer to do the planning, but since the Director of Teaching Affairs was leaving early (and he was supposed to plan it), he cornered me and asked me to take over since he knows I'm ridiculously organized. Even though it was more work (that I didn't get any extra pay for), part of me really missed planning events. I didn't get stressed out from it, and everything went smoothly. And I got sooo much affirmation from the other teachers, during the process and afterwards, it was great. I was shocked actually at how good these people were at affirming, but it is nice to be appreciated so much.

And earlier this week, we had a staff holiday dinner at an all-you-can-eat (and drink!) Japanese restaurant. I stuffed my face with so much raw fish, it was awesome. And I got ridiculously drunk from drinking mugs and mugs of beer, plus I had to chug with one of my bosses. Kinda awkward, but oh so fun.

Gymnastics at the new Olympic stadium

For those of you who miss the sound of my voice, you can watch this little video clip and listen to me narrate. :)

my first snow fall in beijing!

everybody!! it snowed in beijing today!!!! seeing as how i'm slowly dying from a cold that is never going away, of course my body got even more frightened, but it was absolutely beautiful this morning. a nice light blanket of white snow covering everything. and it was so peaceful running to class this morning with little snowflakes falling on my face.

this would be an absolutely perfect post if i could post a picture of the white powdery snow, but i didn't bring my camera with me today. and by the time i got back to my place, it was dark, and dreary and gray, and most of the snow got dirty and icy.

the temperature here is in the 30s, straddling "technically freezing" and "feels like freezing." either way, it's really freaking cold, and i would give up the snow to have warm, sunny weather any second now.

i'm seriously worried.

i'm sick again. for those of you who talk to me regularly, you know that i just got over being sick about a week ago. and i'm sick again. so in the past 4 weeks, i've spent 3 of those 4 weeks being sick. this is not okay. something is not right. the awful part is that, it's just a cold. day after day after day, it's just a sore throat, sniffliness, congestion, slight cough. never a fever. never vomiting. never anything to get serious about, until the symptoms last for weeks!

for anyone who reads the New York Times, you'll know that they have, essentially, a China bashing series (remember that this is coming from Chinese nationalist Wendy). and the latest one is about truck pollution and their use of cheap, low grade diesel fuel. now normally, I read the series and I wholly acknowledge the problem the article addresses as a serious one for China, but I have usually have an immediate nationalist reaction of "Oh yeah?! Well, well, the United States has got a shit-ton of its own damn problems so shut up!" but this time, i was more than a hundred percent on board with the author.

and in the past few days, i have been thinking that it's got to be a combination of the dry, cold weather, my overall lack of healthy exercising behavior, and the freaking pollution that is killing me here. now i completely recognize that my not exercising regularly and irregular sleeping pattern is unhealthy and harmful, but those behaviors have, unfortunately, been my bad habits for the past 4 years. what has been different is that it's really freaking cold here, the air quality is absolutely in the shitter, and i strain my voice constantly.

the pollution is 100 times worse than L.A. and i've lived in L.A. my entire life, so that's saying a fucking lot. okay, so in L.A. we have the haze, and we have the layer of brown that lingers right above buildings, which eventually fades into blue skies. but hey, at least in l.a. it eventually fades out. in beijing, there are days, when literally, the entire sky is gray, and it's from the pollution. not to mention the fact that regulations regarding emissions are not even remotely close to being as strict as they are in the states, and that cigarette smoking is allowed everywhere (and the cigarettes are a lot worse for your health here too). so yes, i am worried for my health.

I hope that when the weather gets warmer, I won't get sick as much. But seriously I'm worried. What if I never get better and I have to go home early? That's going to suck.

Yet another reason, I don't want to teach as a career: You can't ditch your own classes when you feel sick or tired. I am exposed to coughing, sniffling students all day (about 60 different ones), and then when I'm sick I have to continue talking and I don't get time to heal. And on top of that, I'm cranky and the students don't respond well to a cranky, sick teacher.

oh yeah, and i get cold sores here, since i get them when my immune system is down. and since i'm sick all the time, that means yep, cold sores all the time. real attractive, teacher.

sorry, i didn't mean for that to sound all pissy. But I'm sick, and I don't like it.

I know this is going to sound weird...

but I just have to say that I freaking love China. Like, I really really really like China. True, it's got it's problems like any other country, and don't even get me started on the Chinese government, but there is something about China, and the Chinese language, and the Chinese culture that I freaking love with a passion. And I never thought that I would feel this strongly about it, but I really do.

Sometimes I just have these moments, like last Friday when I went to the LaoShe Teahouse to watch Peking Opera and other performances, where I just sat in complete awe, almost child-like, thinking about how absolutely wonderful China is. And I have moments where I keep repeating to myself, "Being Chinese is so freaking cool!" And I feel so proud to be Chinese. Now, if I weren't Chinese American, all the stuff I'm saying would sound disgustingly fetishizing, but since I am Chinese American, I guess it's okay? Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that coming to China has helped me appreciate being Chinese (maybe it's a result of the Chinese nationalist propaganda that's filtered down from the locals I interact with?).

I'm really surprised to feel this much Chinese pride, cuz I never have before. It's gotten to the point where I feel super defensive when I read American newspaper articles about the pollution, or other environmental problems, or the factory mishaps.

And growing up in a super racially charged part of L.A., I was always a little ashamed of being Chinese, getting the ching-chong-changs from other school children, getting made fun of for packing "dog food" for lunch to school, hating my parents for speaking Chinese loudly to me in a supermarket. And I hated the idea of returning to the "motherland" to "find my roots," if only because I had some self-loathing issues and I didn't want to admit that I was any different than a white American.

The first time I came to Beijing, I felt no connection to China at all. I completely felt like a visitor in a foreign country, except things were slightly familiar. And in fact, I didn't get that "return to the motherland" feeling until I visited Vietnam 2 years ago, and thought, "This, this is where my parents were born and grew up," even though I had absolutely no grasp of the language. But this time around, coming back to Beijing, felt a bit like returning home, coming back to a familiar place. And as much as I miss home and love L.A., I love China just as much, with all its contradictions, and random quirks, and fucked-up government issues. I can't wait to visit southern China, where people speak my family's dialect, where the food is more rice based (screw dongbei cai and their freaking mantou; of course I'm biased so I think southern Chinese food tastes better than northern Chinese food), and where my daddy's family is.

I have so much desire to become fluent in Chinese but none of the discipline or self-motivation.

Mrmrmrrrraaaahhhhh!!!!!!!

I cannot believe that it's the end of November already. November has absolutely just flown by. To be honest, I think I'm still stuck in October. It's one of those feelings, where you blink, and 4 weeks of your life have gone by, and you ask yourself, "What the hell have I been doing with all my time?"

Since I've been in school my entire life, my ability to tell time has always been aided by school holidays, Thanksgiving, winter break. This time I don't have that. In fact my "winter break" doesn't come until the end of January.

This year, I celebrated Thanksgiving by having a buffet dinner at the Radisson hotel in Beijing. It was actually quite delicious. I thought it would be majorly depressing, but it was really cozy, and nice; the two delicious glasses of red wine helped, I'm sure.

And now, it's getting colder. And everyone is bundled up in thick coats, scarves, hats, boots, and mittens. And as much as I hate materialism and commercialization, there is something so comforting about the commercial holiday season. I have newly discovered the SoHo area in the Central Business District, and I find myself constantly wanting to curl up in a fat cozy chair in the local Starbucks or schmancy coffee shop. Marketers have definitely done their job right when people feel that going to your cheesy coffee shop with tacky plastic snowflakes hanging from the ceiling "just feels right" and reminds you of "home."

Commercial Christmas has definitely made it to Beijing. And it's not just commercial holiday season; it's commercial Christmas. And most Chinese people don't even think of Christmas as a Christian holiday; it's really quite telling.

I guess the point of this post is that, as much as I'm homesick, I've found so much comfort in that special something looming in the air at this time of year. The cold weather, begging you to buy cute sweaters, and overpriced coffee, and baked goods. I have so many mixed feelings about Christmas, which I guess is how I feel about most things in life. Ah Wendy, always complicating things.

I must have sucker written all over me.

because on Saturday, someone tried to steal my shit.

This past Saturday, after skyping with my family, I took the bus to go see the Olympic Stadium construction site (ie. the Bird's Nest). I found a feature on Google China that lets you type in a starting point and destination, and it'll tell you which bus line to take. The only catch is that the entire website is in Chinese, so yeah. I didn't realize how much of a problem it would be till I actually got on the road.

So I took the 731 bus. I didn't know exactly how to pronounce the bus stop I should get off at (to transfer to the second bus); I just knew the stop had the word west in it. So stupid me, I heard a stop with the word west in it and jumped off the bus. Wrong stop. In fact I was 6 stops too early. And let me just tell you I chose the worst day to go see the stadium because it was soo foggy and cold. So I had to stand in the cold waiting for the next bus.

The next one came, and it was super crowded. But this time around, I overshot and missed my stop. So I had to get off again and take the bus in the opposite direction (again super crowded). This time around, I swallowed my pride and asked someone to tell me when the stop came so I could get off (sometimes when it comes to navigation, I get kinda stubborn). But I didn't realize that I would have to walk several blocks to get to the transfer bus. I didn't feel like walking (most likely getting lost) in the cold so I just took a taxi to the Stadium.

Even though the construction of the stadium looks pretty much finished, it is still essentially a construction site, so we couldn't go in at all. The best we could do was climb on a giant dirt rock, to peak over the construction fencing. Again, it was super foggy, so my pictures aren't that great. I met some old women from Hong Kong, and it felt good to practice my Cantonese again. Also, I found a TGI Friday's next to the stadium. I spent the next hour or so, following random people around. I saw that some people were able to walk into the construction site, and I wanted to find out how, so I decided to follow people around and try to sneak in after them. After a few duds, I finally followed the right family. I was able to go past the guards, and go into the living area where the construction workers live. And I was able to walk even closer to the area surrounding the stadium. I couldn't enter the inner construction zone, since there were more guards (and by then I had departed from my "family") who had clipboards to check people in with hard hats, so I decided to wander out with my crappy ass foggy pictures.

After that, I took the subway to WangFuJing. There I walked around this giant shopping mall (which has super upscale stores like Louis Vuitton and Coach, the real stuff). They even have a Beard Papa's. It's kinda crazy, the feeling of wealth in that place. The stuff they sell there is expensive even on American standards, so I'm just like, "Who the hell can actually afford all this stuff? And why the hell are we wasting so much damn space and resources on this shit for the small percentage of rich Chinese people and rich expats, when there are thousands of hungry poor people in this country?" It made me feel disgusting.

And hypocrite Wendy, an hour later, I went to the official Olympics store and bought way overpriced souvenirs for my family. And I went to the Metersbonwe store (if someone can give me a non-idiot way to pronounce this word, I'd greatly appreciate it) and bought myself a knee length fluffy black down jacket, because it is freaking cold now. After lots of ups-and-downs with the ATM machine, I finally got all the crap I needed and popped into a McDonald's to sit down and organize my crap (I feel more comfortable loitering in American places).

I set my purse on the table and notice that there's a cut on the side. Silly stupid me, I think to myself, "Huh, did I put a sharp pencil in my bag?" Upon further inspection, I find that someone had made 3 short razor cuts in my bag. Someone had cut my bag to try to steal my stuff!!! Lucky me, nothing was missing. Even though there were 3 razor cuts, only 1 of the cuts made it through the inner liner, and earlier that day I had bought 2 pashminas and stuffed them into my bag. So lucky lucky lucky me, I escaped potential disaster. The thing that makes me feel so stupid though is that I have no idea when it happened and I didn't even notice it, ALL DAY! Thinking back now, it probably happened on the bus, when everyone was shoved so close together. And one thing I wonder is, if someone saw this happening, if someone saw that a person was cutting into my bag to steal my stuff, would anyone speak up and do anything? (Flashback to the cafeteria fight scene). Hmm, I wonder.

Wow, this was wayy too long to tell an anti-climactic story.

Later I'll post pictures of the Olympic stadium and my fun time at the LaoShe teahouse watching Peking Opera and other Chinese performances.

Some food for thought, ever wondered why old things in China are referred to as "ancient" whereas old things in Europe are referred to as "historical?" Here are some vocabulary things I hate, but can't seem to find a practical solution to while living here in China, using "modern" to describe very specific processes and "Western" and "the West" to describe things not Chinese.

beijing drivers are kuhrayzee.

and you know I mean it, cuz I reserve that spelling of crazy for things that are at the highest levels of the crazy meter.

wah wah wah, you've heard this a dozen times, "Beijing traffic is horrible." I'm sure you're thinking, "Well it can't be worse than L.A." Trust me. It is. A lot worse. But I'm not going to talk about the traffic. I guess it's kinda obvious, in a country with a population of 1.3 billion people, and a city with a population of 13 million people, that traffic would be kinda horrendous.

But it's the drivers, that make the traffic situation in Beijing that much more colorful. On bad days, I want to slap someone and scream because sometimes it just doesn't make sense. Honestly. Living in Beijing makes me appreciate the law-abiding drivers in L.A.

When it comes to driving in Beijing, nearly everything is fair game. I'm talking making a U-turn into oncoming traffic, reversing on a one-way street, driving through construction sites, blocking multiple lanes of traffic in order to make a simple three-point turn. Oh yeah, I've seen it all. And what's worse, there are jaywalkers everywhere. I guess it's not called jay-walking here; it's just called making your way across the street. Since cars have the right of way in Beijing, there ain't no way a pedestrian is going to make it across the street unless they're aggressively walking into traffic (think Frogger), pausing between lanes as cars accelerate by.

I don't know how many times I've been in near accidents. Cars often don't signal when switching lanes, so you can imagine how this can get ugly if a person isn't being attentive. So many a time I've had a car swerve into my lane, only to realize at the last minute that oopsy daisy, there's another car there! And one of the few awful things that pop into my head are, "Wow, now I know why people say Chinese people are bad drivers." Cuz of this crazy shit! But if anything, this doesn't make them bad drivers, but more skillful.

I've got so many crazy car stories to share, this post could go on for ages. Like, last Monday, I took a cab to the Qinghua campus, and on the way there, the cab I was in hit another car. We drove down a side road, a road I had been down before. In previous times, the road was filled with people (on the actual road, not only the sidewalks), and the cab I was in was literally weaving left and right, accelerating, and honking at people to get out of his way. On this day however, there weren't as many people, but it was still a tight squeeze. And out of nowhere I hear this thud sound and I gasp loudly, because I know that we hit something. At first I wasn't sure if he would pull over or not, but he eventually did. Turns out, his right view mirror hit the left view mirror of another car and both mirrors were bent out of shape. I didn't really know what to do. There I was, in this cab, with the meter running, and scared that I would be late for work. I decided to run away, even though as I was trying to leave the men assured me that they'd wrap up their conversation quickly. Hm, I've been in China long enough to know that "quickly" can mean hours, so I left.

What other crazy stories do I have to share? So last month, I had a pretty traumatizing cab experience. I was in the front seat of a cab, with two other teachers in the back. We were taking a cab home from a birthday dinner. We had made a stop at a subway station to drop someone off, and now the cab driver had to go through back roads to make a U-turn deal. So we were driving down this one small-ish, dark road. Everything seemed to be normal. There were some people on the road up ahead, the cab driver honked a lot and accelerated down the street (this was all very normal). But out of nowhere, the cab driver kinda swerves a bit, then jerks to a stop. And at the front of the cab, I see a man's bicycle (he was standing next to the bicycle) fall over. Then I see the man grabbing at his hip, and stumbling, and fall to the ground.

OH MY GOD. Did we just hit that man? Did we just fucking crash into the man?! I was shocked and scared and speechless. The next thing that happened was even more frightening though. The cab driver, backed up really really fast (since it was a narrow road, and the guy's body was lying in the middle of it, so the only way out was to back up), made a 3 point turn and drove away really fast. I started yelling at the cab driver, I was so freaked out. Is this really happening!? Did he just fucking hit a guy!? He can't actually just drive away can he?! What's going to happen to that man?! I just spewed curse words and questions for the next ten minutes. And I was completely traumatized because I was in the front seat, and I saw the man's bicycle fall over. After a while though, the other teachers were able to calm me down.

And we started to piece together the facts. And some of this is going to sound absolutely awful and crude. One of the teachers had been told that some people in China in fact fake being hit by a car, because you can apparently get lots of money from the person who hits you. So we thought about what just happened. We didn't hear a thud or the sound of anything actually hitting the car. We just felt the car brake suddenly. The other teachers thought that the way the man grabbed his side and fell was a bit theatrical. The man was standing on the left side of his bicycle, and the cab was on the right side of the bicycle, so we should've been able to hear the sound of his bike hitting the car if it happened; and the impact would've have affected him that much since he was on the other side of the bike. And finally, his friend who was there the whole time, didn't react at all. He just stood there, unfazed. So after all this detective work, I decided that the man probably didn't get hit by the cab, and probably wasn't left for dead in the middle of the road, if only for my own peace of mind. But it still doesn't change the fact that I was absolutely freaked out and traumatized when it happened.

And you know what else is scary? Over worked cab drivers who fall asleep at the wheel. um-hmm. Whenever I go out late at night, I see rows of cabs parked on the street; and about half the time, the driver is passed out on the wheel of the car. It's really quite sad. As I go to more places in Beijing and talk to more workers, I've realized that, at least in the service industry, the normal work day is 12 hours long. For some cab drivers, I'm sure it's even longer.
Talking about buses is a whole other story. It seems that some bus drivers drive forgetting that they've got a bus load of standing passengers to consider. So the result is lots of sudden accelerating and braking, and other jerking (so people are literally falling all over each other), and lots of crazy ass loud honking. Sometimes I get carsick just thinking about it.

Missing pieces

There is such a difference between being critical and being negative. As anyone who knows me at all knows, I am extremely critical. Some would say critical to a fault. But I don't think so. I am critical of nearly everything, television, music, social interactions; but it doesn't prevent me from enjoying myself or being happy. And I hate when people silence me because they don't want me to be a "downer" and they think I should just enjoy life, the moment. Well guess what, as perverse as it sounds, one of the things I enjoy most about life is being critical.

It's Thanksgiving time. And of course, the topic of being critical comes up in my head because as much as I appreciate the mainstream sentiment of Thanksgiving and it being a holiday to appreciate the people and things in our lives, I can't help but question what it is we're celebrating, and the history that has been forgotten in the process.

I'm tired of being around people who only talk about themselves.

Feeling a lot better.

I am trying to take a very proactive approach to life right now. I am not just going to lay in bed and whine and feel sorry for myself (even though I really really want to do this).

So Monday was the day when I felt like I wanted to cry in class. And I was really dreading Wednesday, because that's when I would see my CSP Qinghua class again, and that's the class I have a really hard time with. But I decided that if I am going to dread it that much, then I better be trying my damned hardest to make it as pleasant as possible. So I decided to design a class period that was completely activity based with as little of me talking as possible. AND it worked beautifully. They were energetic, and I was able to direct all that lovely energy towards the activity. So I felt a lot better with myself. It'll take a lot more effort thinking of activities for the students, but I think the students appreciate it. And it will make me feel a lot more effective. So yes Wendy, in order to be a good teacher, you must work hard at it. Oh, I knew this all along.

And last night after work, I walked from the Qinghua campus to Silk Street market. I love cities. And I love walking in cities. And I love walking in cities at night when there are so many pretty lights. And it reminded me of all the things I love about Beijing. I think it was good for me to take myself out of my room for a night, and just explore the city.

So things aren't perfect, but things can be better as long as I make an effort to try. So that will be my plan. Upswing. upswing. upswing.

And my ish with people? It comes and goes. There are those moments I want to slap someone, but I just need to remember to breathe and breathe.

Whew. Patience, Wendy, patience. I hope I come back from China a better, more mature person.

My students

I want to take the time to write about my students and each of my classes. For most, if not all of you, this will be very boring. But I am going to write out every mundane detail anyways. This will be a chance for me to rant and just address and release any frustration I currently hold about teaching. For those of you who have not read my "I'm so depressed!" post on my other blog, long story short, I have been overcome with a wave of inexplicable, intense sadness and I don't know how to stop it. But I figure talking about every possible thing on my mind might help. Let's start with my students, the people I see every day, whether I want to or not.

Let's start by saying, I now feel quite strongly that I do not want to become a teacher. I don't know how many people who go to foreign countries to teach English have a real desire to teach; but before coming to China, I actually considered teaching as a possible career. But I also wanted to have the chance to travel before having to have a real job. So I figured that teaching English in China would give me the opportunity to 1) try out teaching without having to make a big commitment (ie. teach, but not have to teach a full 40 hour week), 2) escape the United States and travel, and 3) learn Chinese (though I don't know how successful I am being with this). But after having taught (at only 20 hours a week) here in China, I am extremely confident, that at this point in my life, I do not want to become a teacher when I return to Los Angeles. A number of reasons, which we will get into later.

Now about my students.

So I teach 5 different sets of students. That is quite a large number considering some teachers here teach only 3 sets of students.

Let's talk about my favorite set of students. They're my CSP1 section (CSP means that they're at the intermediate level of English).

Let's make a digression to explain the classification of students' abilities. My school divides the students into 3 levels. QP is the absolute beginner's level, meaning many of these students would not understand a single sentence spoken to them in English. I do not teach any QP classes. CSP is the intermediate level. Obviously there is a wide range of students in this level. Some of the students can communicate decently in English, and can understand most of what I say to them as long as I speak very slowly. However, there are some students who just string together words, that are obviously translated directly from Chinese. And finally, there are the GES students who are the most advanced in the school. These students can understand nearly everything I say, but again only when I speak slowly, and can respond fairly well in a complete sentence. All those letters actually stand for something, but it doesn't really matter since the abbreviations are only used in my school anyways.

Okay, back to my CSP1 students. I teach these students writing and a class called "World Cultures." I do not develop curricula for any of my classes. I am given text books and I pretty much just teach straight from the text book. I see my World Cultures class everyday, and so of course I am the most attached to them and favor these students over other students. In world cultures, I pretty much spend each week talking about a different region in the world and talking about geography, landforms, cash crops, etc. Imagine elementary school social science class. I love these students. They're super well-behaved. They respond to me when I ask them questions. I feel that they respect me, and I think that they like me. These are the students that I went to karaoke (or KTV as it's called here) with, and these are the students I went to dinner with (in the picture below). And I went shopping with some students in this class. I just really like these students, mainly because they listen to me, they do their work, and they like me, inside of class and out.

Now for my other CSP sections, I only see them twice a week. Writing class only meets twice a week. And quite frankly, I feel like I cannot be effective in it because 2 hours a week is simply not enough hours. And the book is kinda crappy, and the students are at such varied levels, I really don't know what to do to make sure that everyone gets the most out of it.

My CSP2 section is the class with the most trouble students. The overall English ability of this entire section is a lot lower than the ability of my CSP1 section (even though technically they are categorized as the same level, so should know the same material at the end of the year). This class has got the students that skip class a lot and students that fall asleep in class. Also, I'm pretty confident that about a quarter of the class doesn't understand the words coming out of my mouth when I teach. The only problem is, that those students make no effort to pay attention or attempt to understand (because they're either zoning out or dozing off). Even after I explain things and repeat things 2 times, students still don't know what I'm talking about. You're thinking, "Well maybe you're just an awful teacher Wendy!" But quite honestly, I am explaining simple things in the simplest way possible, it's just that some students don't listen. Like today in class, I explained what a topic sentence was to the class. Then I called on Leo to explain what a topic sentence was. He didn't know, cuz um, he was asleep. Then immediately after I explain to Leo and make him repeat a sentence, I call on another student named Penn to give the definition of a topic sentence. And he didn't know, cuz um, he was zoning out. And I just didn't know what the hell to do, because at this point I have explained it 5 times, and half the class knows what's going on, and I feel like an idiot for saying the same thing over and over when most of the people understand, but a handful don't. Do I stop class and hand-hold the ones who don't understand? Or do I just leave them to get further behind?

And the thing is, outside of class I freaking love these students. I've been to dinner with them; I've had lunch with them. I have conversations with them outside of class and I freaking love them. They're pleasant and lively and funny. But in class, I can't get them to be freaking awake. I don't understand. What I should do is give them more hands-on activities. But how do I take the time to do the activities and still make sure that I get through the textbook by the end of the year?

Now for CSP Qinghua, a class that I also see only twice a week.

Oh yeah, did you know that my school has two campuses in Beijing? That means that twice a week, when I go to teach my CSP Qinghua class, I have to commute for 40 minutes each way to teach for a one-hour long class.

I live at the ErWai college campus. And I teach 3 of my 5 sections at the ErWai campus, in an academic building that is literally right next to my dorm building. And I teach 2 of my 5 sections at the Qinghua campus, which is actually quite close to ErWai, but because of the heinous traffic, it takes nearly an hour each way.

The CSP Qinghua class is the class that I nearly cried in front of yesterday. Not because of any real reason. This class has got the largest ability gap of all my classes. There is one woman in the class who is pretty much fluent in English. She has lived in England for several years, and she is married to a British man, so yeah, she's pretty much fluent. I don't really understand why she's in the class, since she's worlds better than the other students. So a lot of the time, I feel a lot of pressure to teach her something, since I feel like she's not learning anything from me. But in the exact same section, there are students who are literally incoherent. I have one student (the one whom I had the infamous "did you write about day or night? yes. did you write about day? yes. did you write about night? yes." conversation with) who cannot form a single correct sentence in the class.

Why isn't she in a lower section you ask? Well I wonder the same thing. And to be honest, process in China is process in China and sometimes it doesn't make sense but you just have to go with it. I know this doesn't make much sense, but I'll write a post about this later. But the simple answer: No fucking clue.

Anyways, this class makes me so frustrated. Mainly because they are so fucking antsy. Writing is usually the last class of the day, and on days that they have writing class, they have to stay an hour later than usual; so yeah, no one wants to be there. And this class especially, expresses this sentiment in a physical way. I have students who are asleep. I have students who are shaking their legs the whole time, checking their watches, just itching to get out. I have students who whisper to each other in Chinese. I have students who are doing homework for other classes. And I just don't know what to do. I just feel completely powerless and disrespected. I just think to myself, "How can you disrespect me so much to fall asleep in my fucking face, while I am standing right next to your desk talking at you?" And yesterday it was just too much for me, and I wanted to cry, but I didn't. And the problem is, that again with this class, I love them after class, and before class, when we're just having conversations. But in class, I hate them and I want to rip their little heads off. And sometimes I do have my little power tripping lectures with them. And it's getting harder and harder for me to be pleasant with them outside of class when they fucking disrespect me in class. And I just don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to show up to class, and say, "you don't want to fucking be here? You're not going to listen to me? You're not going to pay attention? Why don't we all just fucking leave?! Because I do not want to be here any more than you do you little brats!" And these are full grown adults. And the problem is that as a student I have the same bad habits. I don't pay attention all the time. Sometimes I get really drowsy in class. Sometimes I do homework for other classes. And as a student I always thought, "It's not personal." But as a teacher, I am taking it fucking personal. It is so fucking personal. And maybe that's my problem, maybe I should just let it go. And keep talking even if no one is listening. But then I just feel like a damn useless ineffective teacher. And if I just give them games to do all the time, then I'll just feel like I'm not providing them enough hard knowledge. Fuck, life is complicated. AHHHH! When I think about this class, I just want to scream. I want to punish them and make them do 50 push-ups or something.

Next is my GES class. I teach them reading, idioms, and pronunciation. This class is fine. I don't feel much of a connection to this class since I started teaching them 6 weeks into the semester. Also because they're the highest level, I feel like they don't need me as much, so I feel like I'm not teaching them much. I think that they like me (I hate that it's so important that the students not only learn from me, but like me too). There are 3 students in the class who are obviously placed in a level that is way too hard for them. 1 student in particular is extremely socially awkward, performs the worst, and quite honestly might have some sort of disorder. This is also quite a difficult position for a teacher. I have some students who are very obviously depressed and obviously has shit going down outside of class (based on the things that they write in their assignments and their body language in class), but what is my role to do anything about it as a teacher? And these are the students who are performing poorly in class. And this will sound horrible, but sometimes it's not only knowing what the best thing to do for the student is, but caring enough to actually take the time to do it. And so far, I haven't done anything. And with the one socially awkward student in my class, she is obviously ostracized by the other students. Often when I tell students to work in groups, she is left out from the group so she works silently alone. At lunch, sometimes she sits in the classroom by herself. During the halloween party, she wore this completely bizarre costume and either danced by herself or sat alone in an empty area. And of course as a teacher I make an effort to talk to her, to spend time with her, to do work with her, but I am also human. And as awful as this sounds, I also hate having to put in all the effort and energy to deal with someone who is very very awkward and has a very very low ability for speaking English. So it's true, I want to focus on the good-looking students, on the students who perform the best in class, on the students who are outgoing and likable.

And lastly is my Sunday class. Yes people, I have to work on Sundays. This is what happens when you work for a private school for adults (with a president that really only cares about making as much money from Chinese people as possible). I work from 9a-12p every Sunday. Only 3 hours, but it still puts a damper on my weekend, since it pretty much means I can't go out on Saturday night since I have to wake up early on Sunday. Part of me is kinda grateful, cuz I always feel so productive when I wake up early and have the afternoon free; but still I hate it. This class is quite small (only 4-8 people each week) and each week seems to be a different set of students. I really don't think it's effective for them, but I guess any little bit helps. And I teach these students business. Hah. Again, I pretty much teach the textbook, and go through exercises so it's not that difficult. But I usually only prepare for the upcoming class the night before or the morning of the class, so it's definitely not my A game. Sometimes I'm bored by my own teaching, so now I've decided to just focus more on speaking activities. Though I hate the fact that I pretty much teach my students materialism (half of my activities involve them trying to sell a product).

All this drama and pent up frustration over just 20 hours a week. Gosh, you must seriously be wondering what the big deal is. But seriously, these classes are pretty much all I think about; that is when I'm not thinking about how annoying some of the other teachers are or about how much I miss my family and friends and college and L.A. or about how I'm an incompetent/unproductive ass who is wasting away. So yeah, you can imagine how all this can bring a person down.

Seasons.

Living in Beijing has proven to me that 4 seasons, in fact, do exist. Having lived in Los Angeles my entire life (in fact, the only times I have not lived in Los Angeles have been when I've been living in Beijing), I thought that winter came when I had to switch from wearing skirts with my flip-flops to wearing jeans with my flip-flops; when it went from 80+ degrees in the summer to a whopping 60 degrees in the winter.

And being in Beijing now, in autumn, I feel pretty excited to experience a true fall and winter. Autumn really is a beautiful season. The trees on campus are turning golden yellow, and the leaves are drying up and falling down.

It started getting cold about 3 weeks ago, but I think I've been adjusting well. And when I say cold, I mean cold by L.A. standards. The temperature here is in the 40s and 50s during the day and drops down to the 30s at night (I'm still thinking in Fahrenheit). I was really cold in the beginning, but now that I've started wearing my pea coat, with scarf, beanie, gloves, and leggings under my jeans (yes folks, we have to wear long underwear every day), I've gotten better at adjusting to the cold. Maybe in a few weeks I'll break out the infamous ear muffs.

But it is only going to get colder. Colder and dryer and grayer. I am not looking forward to the days when all the trees in the city will be barren branches. And I'm thinking that it will probably snow here in January. Though I'm dreading the idea of living in snow and cold, to be honest part of me is a little excited about it. I want to experience it, and prove to myself that I can be hardcore and handle the cold. And then I want to run back to L.A. and stay in the sun forever because after a few days of being cold, I'm pretty sure I'd trade in my long johns for a pair of flip-flops.

But for now, I walk around Beijing decked out in my autumn gear (I need to buy more layers for true winter weather) thinking, "I am so intense. It never gets this cold in Los Angeles, even in the dead of winter. Look at me, I am super hard-core./ Omg omg it's so cold. I wish I had a ski mask to keep my nose warm. Ahh I hate wearing long underwear!" Yes, I'm deep, I know.