I know this is going to sound weird...

but I just have to say that I freaking love China. Like, I really really really like China. True, it's got it's problems like any other country, and don't even get me started on the Chinese government, but there is something about China, and the Chinese language, and the Chinese culture that I freaking love with a passion. And I never thought that I would feel this strongly about it, but I really do.

Sometimes I just have these moments, like last Friday when I went to the LaoShe Teahouse to watch Peking Opera and other performances, where I just sat in complete awe, almost child-like, thinking about how absolutely wonderful China is. And I have moments where I keep repeating to myself, "Being Chinese is so freaking cool!" And I feel so proud to be Chinese. Now, if I weren't Chinese American, all the stuff I'm saying would sound disgustingly fetishizing, but since I am Chinese American, I guess it's okay? Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that coming to China has helped me appreciate being Chinese (maybe it's a result of the Chinese nationalist propaganda that's filtered down from the locals I interact with?).

I'm really surprised to feel this much Chinese pride, cuz I never have before. It's gotten to the point where I feel super defensive when I read American newspaper articles about the pollution, or other environmental problems, or the factory mishaps.

And growing up in a super racially charged part of L.A., I was always a little ashamed of being Chinese, getting the ching-chong-changs from other school children, getting made fun of for packing "dog food" for lunch to school, hating my parents for speaking Chinese loudly to me in a supermarket. And I hated the idea of returning to the "motherland" to "find my roots," if only because I had some self-loathing issues and I didn't want to admit that I was any different than a white American.

The first time I came to Beijing, I felt no connection to China at all. I completely felt like a visitor in a foreign country, except things were slightly familiar. And in fact, I didn't get that "return to the motherland" feeling until I visited Vietnam 2 years ago, and thought, "This, this is where my parents were born and grew up," even though I had absolutely no grasp of the language. But this time around, coming back to Beijing, felt a bit like returning home, coming back to a familiar place. And as much as I miss home and love L.A., I love China just as much, with all its contradictions, and random quirks, and fucked-up government issues. I can't wait to visit southern China, where people speak my family's dialect, where the food is more rice based (screw dongbei cai and their freaking mantou; of course I'm biased so I think southern Chinese food tastes better than northern Chinese food), and where my daddy's family is.

I have so much desire to become fluent in Chinese but none of the discipline or self-motivation.