The day we've all been waiting for...

08.08.08

Tonight at 8:08pm is the start of the Opening Ceremony of the 2008 Summer Olympics. This past year has been a crazy one, living in Beijing and watching this city prepare for, what many consider, the biggest and most important event for modern China.

Yesterday, I went to the Olympic torch relay near Ditan Park in Beijing. My friends and I arrived at the park early in the morning, only to be told that the torch wouldn't get to the park until 5 or 6 pm (since its route that morning included parts of the Great Wall and other suburbs of Beijing). I returned alone at 2:30pm to wait.

And let me tell you, it was a MESS. First it started out fine, with a sparse crowd sitting on curbs. Eventually they put out the police tape, made us stand, and then came the stupidest idea ever. The police announced that we'd all have to move across the street, so of course people started RUNNING across the street and I was nearly stepped all over. But once we got across the street, no one directed us, so the giant mob moved back ACROSS the street. After lots of pushing and manhandling from the police, the crowd moved onto the steps across the street. Later, I learned that we wouldn't even see the torch, since the relay would take place solely inside the park (that no one had access to), and that we were all waiting to see the caravan of Olympic vehicles. This meant that whenever any "nice looking cars" (read Hummers, Audi's, tour buses, and camouflaged military-looking vehicles) passed, the crowd would stir and push past the chain of security guards holding us back.



It was definitely a China moment. It's every person for themselves as people are nudging and elbowing you in the back, trying to get past you to see something that's probably not very interesting in the first place. Contributing to the China moment was the fact that most people couldn't see anything past the back of the person's head in front of us (since most of us ranged in the 5 foot to 5 foot 6 inches tall range). Just another reason I love China.

China is just an all around ridiculous country. Full of contradictions and hypocritical reasoning. Last Sunday (Aug. 3), a friend and I visited Jingshan Park, which is a park with a peak overlooking the Forbidden City. I think we chose the best day in the year to go because the sky was soo clear, we could see as far out as the 4th and 5th Rings of Beijing, as well as the mountains surrounding Beijing on 3 sides (Let me just tell you, that up until that day the pollution was so awful that, I hadn't realized Beijing was near ANY mountains).



I have to say that the mentality of the Chinese government (which is then fed to the overall Chinese population via its state controlled media) is often one of a proclaimed victim. When you talk about people choosing to boycott the Olympic games, rather than address the issues people have objections with (Tibet, Darfur, human rights, censorship, etc), people essentially respond with, "Why are people picking on China? We have never done anything to your country, why can't you just leave us alone? We are a calm and peaceful people. How can you be so cruel as to criticize us during a year when thousands of our people died in a terrible earthquake?"

When you accuse China of having pollution problems, rather than come straight out and say, "Yes we have problems and we're trying our best to solve them," the media has a roundabout way of talking about the minute improvements that have been made, and make excuses. The other day I read an article about how the air quality has been improving overall and that recently it just looks like there's worse pollution because of a haze caused by an unusual amount of rain in Beijing in the past weeks, with no wind to blow it away. An unusual amount of rain you say? Hmmmm.... maybe this has a little something to do with those silver iodide pellets the government's been releasing in the air to INDUCE rain to wash the pollution out of the air.

I mean, I'm not saying this is a completely ineffectual idea. Actually, I've seen blue skies as a result of government created rainstorms. (This photo has not been digitally altered at all).



Sometimes when I write on this blog, I feel like I need to put up a disclaimer. This disclaimer being that since moving to Beijing, I have become extremely biased, in favor of the Chinese government. I try my hardest to remain critical, but when it comes down to it, I love China.

In the past two weeks, I've seen the introduction of the odd-even license plate driving restrictions (which has created even larger crowds on the subways, and only made a dent in reducing gridlock traffic), mandatory bag checks in subway terminals and some buses, I.D. checks for every Chinese-looking person entering school campuses (I find it ironic that anyone with a white face can stroll right into my campus without having identification, but I get stopped without fail, every time). I've seen hordes of Olympic volunteers in their blue and yellow t-shirts sweltering in their Olympic volunteer booths in the summer heat (Some of the booths have a scale you can use to weight yourself. Why? I still haven't figured out), and taxi drivers in their new bright yellow collared shirt uniforms.

Also, a new addition to Beijing, are enormous pro-Beijing Olympic posters/billboards. You can find them all over the city. At first I liked them, so colorful, and shiny and new, and festive, to get you in the mood for the games. Then I read this article about the government putting up these walls in front of people's homes and businesses which they consider to be an "eyesore" to the city. Read the article, it will break your heart. And it's stories like this, that make me want to slap the CCP in the back of the head, because my love for China stems from a love for the people. And when I read about the Chinese government displacing people from their homes without providing an alternative, passive-aggressively building walls in front of family owned businesses (which are more than likely also the business owners' home), it angers me that the CCP has no respect for its people.

China is a complicated issue. I'm sure some of you have wondered whether I would be boycotting the Olympic games. The answer is No, I won't be. But not because I don't see the connection between China, the Olympics, and human rights issues, not because I think the Olympics is/should be an apolitical event (in fact, having had experience organizing boycott campaigns, I think using the Olympics is actually great leverage). But the reason I am not boycotting the Olympics is because boycotting the games would call into question my entire existence here in China (the work that I'm doing and my newfound Chinese nationalism), and that's not something I'm ready for right now. I know that's not really an answer, but it's all I have right now.

So get ready for future posts with pictures of me smiling in front of the Bird's Nest cuz I'm going to the Olympic Games!

Less than a month until the Olympics...

and security is TIGHT.

Having lived in Beijing for the past 10 months (and for 4 months back in 2005 while I was studying abroad), I've been tracking the changes this city has been undergoing in preparation for the Olympics.

Back when I was studying abroad, I heard these rumors that the government was going to put a ban on all construction starting a year prior to the Olympics in order to decrease pollution in the air. Slowly that deadline became 6 months. Then 1 month. And now with less than 30 days until the Opening Ceremonies, construction is still going at full force. If anything, contractors are in a furious and mad dash to finish up their projects before the start of the Olympics. (The new rumored deadline is July 20, a mere 3 weeks until the Games begin).

Along with the postponement of this supposed "construction ban," us Beijing residents have simultaneously been teased with the opening dates of the new city subway lines. June 1. June 30. July 20. I've already been convinced that these dates are purely arbitrary. In terms of being up to par with other major metropolitan cities, the Beijing subway system has quite a ways to go. There are only 5 subways lines open right now, and Beijing is very similar to L.A. in that the city is all sprawl. The city is huge, and expansive, and traffic is horrible all the time. It takes literally 2 hours to get from one end of the city to the other via subway. Though 3 additional subway lines are in the works (including an airport expressway), who knows when those will actually be finished since it was also rumored that these subway lines would be open by the Olympics. But again, no dice.

What I really want to talk about is security.

In the past few weeks, I've noticed increased security in lots of areas. Most notably the airport, which is understandable. Standards of security here at the new Terminal 3 (the largest in the world, btw) are so ridiculous, that I would almost compare it to levels experienced in the States (And unfortunately, even in China, it's the brown folk who get "randomly" chosen for searches most frequently here as well).

New additions in the past few weeks are the bag scanners at every subway terminal, and the dozens of uniformed guards waiting to stop and search you. Signs are posted here saying we can't take firearms, explosives, knives, or (my favorite) firecrackers on the subway. And even on my way back to campus one night, I got stopped at the gate by a guard and was asked to show my student i.d. card (which I of course don't have, considering I'm not a student).

I've heard stories of other foreigners being stopped by officials. And police officers doing random searches of apartment buildings and taxi cabs, trying to catch people who are overstaying their visas, or working on a tourist visa, etc.

Among other ridiculous stories I've heard about increased security measures for the Olympics, my boss told me the other day that the Chinese government was preventing people (and suspicious cargo) from entering Beijing via car by increasing the number of guards at the Beijing border. Now that doesn't sound so ridiculous right? Well the absurd part is that the guards have been instructed to "keep people happy." So instead of just outrightly denying cars entry, the guards have been instructed to simply give the cars the wrong directions, so that they end up driving loops around Beijing, without actually entering, until they get so tired of driving that they decide to go home. Yes, my boss actually told me this.

My boss (and others) also told me that there are missiles at the Olympic bird's nest stadium. Missiles. So that if somebody decides to attack the stadium during the Games, China can quickly retaliate and "protect" itself. It all seems counterproductive to me, but leave it to China to use missiles to solve the problem. (But, in defense of China, Athens also had "safety" missiles in place for their 2004 Olympics as well (FMI, google: Beijing Olympics missiles)).

Madness. This country is pure madness.

In case you needed more doses of madness, in the past few weeks the government also used rocket launchers to shoot iodide into the clouds to make it rain, you know, to clear the skies up. (Beijing is a dry city, it doesn't typically rain in the early summer). And now they're having drills to see if they can prevent possible future rain (since it does rain in Beijing in the late summer, read: during the Olympic games). So the current plan is to shoot iodide into the rain clouds before they move above Beijing, so that no rain will actually reach Beijing.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like weather is one of those things that you don't want to mess with.

Cultural exchange like whoa

Earlier this week, I taught my students how to FLOSS.

We were doing a lesson on daily routines. I talked about how it is quite common for Americans to brush their teeth in the middle of the day, after lunch. And that some Americans even floss after lunch. I asked the class if anyone brushed their teeth or flossed after lunch, knowing full well the answer would be No.

Then I asked the class if they ever flossed. They all shook their heads and said No. One student, Lisa, said, "Chinese people don't floss!" I asked her why that is. She said, "Nobody has ever taught us! So we don't know how to. I want to floss! But I can't because I don't know how."

So during the break, I got some floss and some mirrors, and I taught them how to floss. I don't think they enjoyed it. One of my students, Allan, started bleeding (I warned them that might happen the first time!) One of my students even explained that she didn't floss because she thought flossing created gaps between your teeth. I argued flossing doesn't create the gaps, flossing just removes the tartar so that you can actually see the gaps clearly.

Nationalism at its best (and its worst)

It's been a little over a week since the 8.0 earthquake hit Sichuan. I've been following the news, trying to digest the photos, the news reports, and the ever rising death toll, and having an extremely hard time trying to put into words all the feelings bubbling up inside.

I guess in the simplest terms, all those feelings amount to... I am extremely extremely upset and distraught. And I've actually been wondering if there's some special kind of therapy for or psychological term for the kind of trauma one experiences from events that one hasn't actually experienced personally. Cuz whatever kind of trauma that is, I think I've got it.

A few days ago, one of my students said, "This is a very bad year for China." Ain't that the truth. What with the disruptions in the Olympic Torch Relay, the protests in Tibet, the boycott of the Olympics, and now the Sichuan earthquake, it has indeed been a very bad year for China.

On Monday of this week, we observed a 3 minute moment of silence beginning at 2:28 pm, at the exact time the earthquake occurred a week earlier. I stood silently, with my students, arms folded across my chest, eyes downward, and all I could hear were the blaring of cars horns. It sounded like air raid sirens. My body was shivering, and all I could think was, "I want to cry right now, but I can't."

In my time here, I've had my ups and downs with Chinese nationalism. At some point during my stay here, I've felt a deep connection with China and all things Chinese. Other times, I simply couldn't believe how repressive the government was. But even with all the issues I have with the way things are done here, somewhere inside of me I still have a deep, deep love for China and Chinese people (What can I say, the kool-aid is quite effective). And so when I see the footage of the earthquake victims, I can't help but think, "Those are my people suffering. When they suffer, I suffer." And it has everything to do with being Chinese.

And that is nationalism at its best. I know I'm generalizing, but I don't think it would be a stretch to say that other Chinese people probably feel the same way I do. "Those are my people. What can I do to help my fellow people?" I am impressed by the level of selflessness the majority of people here have expressed. I am impressed, but not surprised. It's not surprising because people here are helping out of sheer love for their country. They love their country, so when they see that a part of their country is suffering, they will do everything in their power to relieve that suffering.

I did just read a New York Times article though that commented on how remarkable it is the government is allowing such a large public involvement in the matter. It is actually the first time the Chinese government has ever accepted foreign aid for a disaster. Again I argue, it is all out of love for China and their fellow Chinese people. (I guess even the Chinese bureaucrats can put their egos aside to provide help to those who need it).

And with all this news coverage (I'm talking 24/7 coverage of relief efforts), I've heard many a discussion about comparisons to the tsunami in 2004, Myanmar, and Hurricane Katrina. One of my colleagues today said that the lightning fast response of the Chinese government officials to the earthquake really puts the U.S. to shame, particularly in regards to Hurricane Katrina. And I have to agree. What happened with Hurricane Katrina was an absolute catastrophe. But I have to say that, among other things, it had everything to do with race. And that is one area where China has it a lot less complicated. That's not to say that there's no racism in China, or that everyone living in China is Han Chinese (in fact, there are over 50 ethnic minority groups living in China), but it just isn't so blatantly obvious (well actually, sometimes it is, but people just don't label it racism).

Now I hate to play the speculation game, but you all have heard those comments like, "If Hurricane Katrina had hit a rich, white area instead of a poor, black one, would the government response be just as slow?" And now I pose a similar hypothetical question, "If the earthquake hit one of the areas in China comprised primarily of an ethnic minority group, say Tibet, would the public response be just as unwaveringly supportive?" Now I know this is all speculative, but I would argue that the answer would be No. I think there would be a sense of hesitation from the uber-nationalist Chinese people, some self-satisfied feelings like, "Well Tibetans, doesn't that teach you a lesson about biting the hand that feeds you?" and who knows, maybe even a bit of resentment if there was a strong international outpour of support for Tibet (nationalism at its worst). But there's really no use in playing this game now.

Though quite honestly, I think much of the strong sense of empathy expressed has to do with seeing those news reports and being able to physically identify with the victims of the quake, being able to sit there and think, "That could be me, or my sister, or my mother, or my grandmother."

My heart goes out to all those displaced and affected by the earthquake. It scares and pains me to think about what those people who lost everything will do now (and how the government will (or won't) step in to help them).

And to end with some additional food for thought. So the Chinese government has the People's Liberation Army (the national Chinese military force) doing a bulk of the relief work. On the one hand, way to consolidate resources, multi-task and make use of organized people power, China. On the other hand, that just means the military is really powerful and is pretty much ready to be dispatched in full force to any situation at the beck and call of the CPC. Hmmm..... (and sadly, history has already shown how this second scenario could be to the detriment of the people).

Beijing, you're so polluted, you make me mad.

The moment I step outside, I feel like I'm being pelted by debris. It's in my eyes, up my nose, in the back of my throat. And it feels gritty and dirty. Now I completely understand why old Chinese men are constantly hocking up loogies onto the street. They're EATING the pollution! I don't know how anyone has clear skin here. I'm constantly breaking out. Not pretty. It's so smoky and dusty all the time, I feel like I'm inhaling smoke all the time.

So the Chinese government recently issued a ban on smoking. Beginning May 1st, no more smoking in... SCHOOLS and HOSPITALS! Are you kidding me?! You mean it was actually okay to smoke in schools and hospitals prior to this ban?! They initially wanted to ban smoking in restaurants and bars too, but the business owners got pissy. I guess it's a step in the right direction at least.

And now that it's spring, add pollen and mysterious white puffs (from trees that aren't close enough to be seen), and it's hell for every orifice on my face. I might have to start wearing goggles around outside. And my face feels so gross from the sweat and the heat, and it's not even humid yet. Lovely. I can't wait for summer.

Remember to cut me some slack if next time you see me, my face is covered in pocks and flecks (actual phrasing on Chinese acne medication).

My life does not exist in a vacuum

It's been over a month since my last post. A lot has happened since, and I've been trying my best to process all that is going on around me. I have to admit that I've been silent for a while because I have been struggling to find the words to describe the amazing experience I had last month, when I connected with distant family in Southern China.

But today, I decided that it's important for me to brush off the laziness, and write.

If you've been following the news, you'll know that starting last Monday, there were anti-China protests going on in Tibet. The protests have escalated into rioting, and the Chinese government has issued a curfew in Lhasa, warning people to stay indoors for the next few DAYS.

But what you probably don't know, is the Chinese government's spin on this whole thing. First of all, the coverage of the protests is extremely extremely minimal. The story is briefly mentioned and is talked about as if the situation has been completely resolved (the few stories recently published focus on the cleaning up of debris in the streets and the reopening of shops, as well as quotes from residents expressing the sheer normalcy of their lives).

Not only that, but the news reports also put all the negative focus on the rioters, portraying them as unreasonable, lawless individuals whose only motivation is to disturb the peaceful lives of those living in Tibet. There is no discussion of the protesters' political aims, and absolutely no mention of the aggressive actions of the Chinese military force. In fact, the Chinese police force are seen as innocent victims of the unruly protesters/rioters.

Probably the scariest part of this situation is how absolutely powerful the Chinese government is. The government announced that all protesting in Tibet and neighboring regions must end by midnight on Sunday (or else). (The "or else" is of my own adding, but it is very obviously implied by the decree). This really frightens me, because well, 1989 has already shown us what the Chinese government is capable of when they threaten "or else." They ain't bluffing; that's for sure.

So in my attempts to educate myself further in this topic, I've encountered as many problems as I expected to. Surprise surprise, all pages regarding Tibet are "inaccessible."

I've often talked about this casually in the past, but as you know, China has got a national firewall. This means, the Chinese government is constantly monitoring internet usage and actively censoring websites they deem inappropriate. I am not even exaggerating when I say that I am legitimately scared about what I write in this blog. (I guess the only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that all blogspot web addresses are already censored anyways! Though I really shouldn't joke about this. In the past, Chinese bloggers have gotten in serious serious trouble for criticizing the government in their personal blogs. So yes, I am actually a little scared.)

So what are some websites that are blocked in China, Wendy? Well, BBC News, youtube (sometimes), xanga, blogspot, all pages related to controversial Chinese topics (I won't list them here, since obviously the searches are keywords based, but I feel that they're pretty obvious) (and when I say all pages, I mean if you went to Google and searched for a controversial topic, you wouldn't even get any pages related to that topic in your search results), and most notably, Wikipedia. Access by anyone to any information, for free?? The government knows just how dangerous that can be.

And nearly every day I am reminded that I absolutely do not understand this country. And I make no claims to even begin understanding China. This country just functions on a completely different level than the U.S. It's something that cannot be put into words; it's just something that needs to be experienced.

I guess my conclusion to all this is that when it comes to authority in China, there is definitely an absolute right/wrong. And those authority figures really do take a "by any means necessary" attitude when it comes to enforcement. It's a kind of unwavering, clear-cut, and narrowly defined concept of right and wrong, of actions in violation and actions in obedience with the law (social laws and norms included). Based on history, and based on my own experiences here in Beijing (with security guards and police officers and domestic violence), I will say that I am deeply frightened by the amount/strength of force this country can inflict on human beings, simply in the exercise of power. I am even more frightened by the fact that I wholeheartedly believe that this country will really do whatever the fuck it takes to keep its people in line.

I'm not really sure what flavor kool-aid I was sipping when I went through my Chinese nationalist phase, but it's definitely worn off. And now for the first time, I'm taking a real hard look at all the issues China has in regards to violation of human rights. And I've got to say, I don't entirely know how I feel about being in this country. But who am I to talk really? I am a citizen, after all, of a country whose president recently vetoed a ban on the use of torture in CIA interrogations.

**Crossing my fingers hoping I seriously won't regret publishing this post when the Chinese feds come knocking on my door**

beijing is a little bizarre at times.

Today was xmas eve in Beijing. Another teacher, Brandy, and I went to an Italian restaurant named Annie's Italian Experience. I had awesome penne with creamy white sauce, a Caesar salad, bread dipped in oil, vinegar and pesto, a glass of white wine, and one of the best tiramisu's I've had in my entire life. All for about 10 US dollars. It was really really awesome. And the plate of pasta was so huge that I have leftovers that I am going to eat for breakfast tomorrow, woohoo!

After dinner, Brandy and I went to this bar called the People's Bus Bar, which was pretty much a trailer in a parking lot converted to a bar. They had 10 kuai (= $1.35 USD) giant mugs of draft beer and the dj was spinning an awesome mix of reggaeton and hip-hop, my fave.

So in case you didn't know, there is no legal drinking age in China. That means, little kids as young as five (or 1 even) can buy beer (and presumably drink it), though most shopkeepers simply assume that a five year old is buying beer for parents, and not guzzling the stuff themselves. Anyhow, I mention that because at the bar that we were in, there was a 3 year old tottering around. YES! At 11pm, someone brought a 3 year old in a BAR! I'm pretty sure her parents were wasted, and the little 3 year old was running around the dance floor hugging people. The kid was sooo cute, I wanted to dance with her.

So, I checked the weather for Beijing today on weather.com and the weather condition for today in Beijing is... SMOKE. No joke. I mean, I've seen Partly Cloudy, Sunny, Windy, Showers, etc. but never ever in my entire life have I seen SMOKE as a weather condition. Seriously? That's ridiculous. I had to copy and paste it just to prove to everyone it's true. And yep, it's cold in Beijing (though that's the temperature for the middle of the night and the wee early morning; usually we're in the 30s or 40s during the day.).






Also, on the way to dinner tonight I saw a car on the highway that was smoking and on fire! It was absolutely crazy.

Other random events of the day/night: I found a Coldstone ice cream place in Beijing! I wandered around a fancy schmance hotel (China World Hotel). And I went to a swing dance club earlier tonight!

i'm feeling good.

I'm feeling great. No more homesickness. No more annoyance (okay, well, less annoyance). No more depression. Still confused, but that's expected. I've been keeping in touch with my family a lot recently, which is making me happy. I'm excited about being able to go home for my sister's wedding (I'll be in L.A. and in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico during Memorial Day weekend). I'm not sick anymore! (well technically I still have a dry cough, but it's not as bad as being sick and having a cold sore). I just cleaned my room, so now I have a nice serene environment to be in. And I've found a friend here that I really like hanging out with. So things in the life of Wendy are going well.

I was also put in charge of (against my will of course) planning a holiday concert at my school, where all the students performed Christmas songs. I didn't volunteer to do the planning, but since the Director of Teaching Affairs was leaving early (and he was supposed to plan it), he cornered me and asked me to take over since he knows I'm ridiculously organized. Even though it was more work (that I didn't get any extra pay for), part of me really missed planning events. I didn't get stressed out from it, and everything went smoothly. And I got sooo much affirmation from the other teachers, during the process and afterwards, it was great. I was shocked actually at how good these people were at affirming, but it is nice to be appreciated so much.

And earlier this week, we had a staff holiday dinner at an all-you-can-eat (and drink!) Japanese restaurant. I stuffed my face with so much raw fish, it was awesome. And I got ridiculously drunk from drinking mugs and mugs of beer, plus I had to chug with one of my bosses. Kinda awkward, but oh so fun.

Gymnastics at the new Olympic stadium

For those of you who miss the sound of my voice, you can watch this little video clip and listen to me narrate. :)

my first snow fall in beijing!

everybody!! it snowed in beijing today!!!! seeing as how i'm slowly dying from a cold that is never going away, of course my body got even more frightened, but it was absolutely beautiful this morning. a nice light blanket of white snow covering everything. and it was so peaceful running to class this morning with little snowflakes falling on my face.

this would be an absolutely perfect post if i could post a picture of the white powdery snow, but i didn't bring my camera with me today. and by the time i got back to my place, it was dark, and dreary and gray, and most of the snow got dirty and icy.

the temperature here is in the 30s, straddling "technically freezing" and "feels like freezing." either way, it's really freaking cold, and i would give up the snow to have warm, sunny weather any second now.

i'm seriously worried.

i'm sick again. for those of you who talk to me regularly, you know that i just got over being sick about a week ago. and i'm sick again. so in the past 4 weeks, i've spent 3 of those 4 weeks being sick. this is not okay. something is not right. the awful part is that, it's just a cold. day after day after day, it's just a sore throat, sniffliness, congestion, slight cough. never a fever. never vomiting. never anything to get serious about, until the symptoms last for weeks!

for anyone who reads the New York Times, you'll know that they have, essentially, a China bashing series (remember that this is coming from Chinese nationalist Wendy). and the latest one is about truck pollution and their use of cheap, low grade diesel fuel. now normally, I read the series and I wholly acknowledge the problem the article addresses as a serious one for China, but I have usually have an immediate nationalist reaction of "Oh yeah?! Well, well, the United States has got a shit-ton of its own damn problems so shut up!" but this time, i was more than a hundred percent on board with the author.

and in the past few days, i have been thinking that it's got to be a combination of the dry, cold weather, my overall lack of healthy exercising behavior, and the freaking pollution that is killing me here. now i completely recognize that my not exercising regularly and irregular sleeping pattern is unhealthy and harmful, but those behaviors have, unfortunately, been my bad habits for the past 4 years. what has been different is that it's really freaking cold here, the air quality is absolutely in the shitter, and i strain my voice constantly.

the pollution is 100 times worse than L.A. and i've lived in L.A. my entire life, so that's saying a fucking lot. okay, so in L.A. we have the haze, and we have the layer of brown that lingers right above buildings, which eventually fades into blue skies. but hey, at least in l.a. it eventually fades out. in beijing, there are days, when literally, the entire sky is gray, and it's from the pollution. not to mention the fact that regulations regarding emissions are not even remotely close to being as strict as they are in the states, and that cigarette smoking is allowed everywhere (and the cigarettes are a lot worse for your health here too). so yes, i am worried for my health.

I hope that when the weather gets warmer, I won't get sick as much. But seriously I'm worried. What if I never get better and I have to go home early? That's going to suck.

Yet another reason, I don't want to teach as a career: You can't ditch your own classes when you feel sick or tired. I am exposed to coughing, sniffling students all day (about 60 different ones), and then when I'm sick I have to continue talking and I don't get time to heal. And on top of that, I'm cranky and the students don't respond well to a cranky, sick teacher.

oh yeah, and i get cold sores here, since i get them when my immune system is down. and since i'm sick all the time, that means yep, cold sores all the time. real attractive, teacher.

sorry, i didn't mean for that to sound all pissy. But I'm sick, and I don't like it.

I know this is going to sound weird...

but I just have to say that I freaking love China. Like, I really really really like China. True, it's got it's problems like any other country, and don't even get me started on the Chinese government, but there is something about China, and the Chinese language, and the Chinese culture that I freaking love with a passion. And I never thought that I would feel this strongly about it, but I really do.

Sometimes I just have these moments, like last Friday when I went to the LaoShe Teahouse to watch Peking Opera and other performances, where I just sat in complete awe, almost child-like, thinking about how absolutely wonderful China is. And I have moments where I keep repeating to myself, "Being Chinese is so freaking cool!" And I feel so proud to be Chinese. Now, if I weren't Chinese American, all the stuff I'm saying would sound disgustingly fetishizing, but since I am Chinese American, I guess it's okay? Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that coming to China has helped me appreciate being Chinese (maybe it's a result of the Chinese nationalist propaganda that's filtered down from the locals I interact with?).

I'm really surprised to feel this much Chinese pride, cuz I never have before. It's gotten to the point where I feel super defensive when I read American newspaper articles about the pollution, or other environmental problems, or the factory mishaps.

And growing up in a super racially charged part of L.A., I was always a little ashamed of being Chinese, getting the ching-chong-changs from other school children, getting made fun of for packing "dog food" for lunch to school, hating my parents for speaking Chinese loudly to me in a supermarket. And I hated the idea of returning to the "motherland" to "find my roots," if only because I had some self-loathing issues and I didn't want to admit that I was any different than a white American.

The first time I came to Beijing, I felt no connection to China at all. I completely felt like a visitor in a foreign country, except things were slightly familiar. And in fact, I didn't get that "return to the motherland" feeling until I visited Vietnam 2 years ago, and thought, "This, this is where my parents were born and grew up," even though I had absolutely no grasp of the language. But this time around, coming back to Beijing, felt a bit like returning home, coming back to a familiar place. And as much as I miss home and love L.A., I love China just as much, with all its contradictions, and random quirks, and fucked-up government issues. I can't wait to visit southern China, where people speak my family's dialect, where the food is more rice based (screw dongbei cai and their freaking mantou; of course I'm biased so I think southern Chinese food tastes better than northern Chinese food), and where my daddy's family is.

I have so much desire to become fluent in Chinese but none of the discipline or self-motivation.

Mrmrmrrrraaaahhhhh!!!!!!!

I cannot believe that it's the end of November already. November has absolutely just flown by. To be honest, I think I'm still stuck in October. It's one of those feelings, where you blink, and 4 weeks of your life have gone by, and you ask yourself, "What the hell have I been doing with all my time?"

Since I've been in school my entire life, my ability to tell time has always been aided by school holidays, Thanksgiving, winter break. This time I don't have that. In fact my "winter break" doesn't come until the end of January.

This year, I celebrated Thanksgiving by having a buffet dinner at the Radisson hotel in Beijing. It was actually quite delicious. I thought it would be majorly depressing, but it was really cozy, and nice; the two delicious glasses of red wine helped, I'm sure.

And now, it's getting colder. And everyone is bundled up in thick coats, scarves, hats, boots, and mittens. And as much as I hate materialism and commercialization, there is something so comforting about the commercial holiday season. I have newly discovered the SoHo area in the Central Business District, and I find myself constantly wanting to curl up in a fat cozy chair in the local Starbucks or schmancy coffee shop. Marketers have definitely done their job right when people feel that going to your cheesy coffee shop with tacky plastic snowflakes hanging from the ceiling "just feels right" and reminds you of "home."

Commercial Christmas has definitely made it to Beijing. And it's not just commercial holiday season; it's commercial Christmas. And most Chinese people don't even think of Christmas as a Christian holiday; it's really quite telling.

I guess the point of this post is that, as much as I'm homesick, I've found so much comfort in that special something looming in the air at this time of year. The cold weather, begging you to buy cute sweaters, and overpriced coffee, and baked goods. I have so many mixed feelings about Christmas, which I guess is how I feel about most things in life. Ah Wendy, always complicating things.

I must have sucker written all over me.

because on Saturday, someone tried to steal my shit.

This past Saturday, after skyping with my family, I took the bus to go see the Olympic Stadium construction site (ie. the Bird's Nest). I found a feature on Google China that lets you type in a starting point and destination, and it'll tell you which bus line to take. The only catch is that the entire website is in Chinese, so yeah. I didn't realize how much of a problem it would be till I actually got on the road.

So I took the 731 bus. I didn't know exactly how to pronounce the bus stop I should get off at (to transfer to the second bus); I just knew the stop had the word west in it. So stupid me, I heard a stop with the word west in it and jumped off the bus. Wrong stop. In fact I was 6 stops too early. And let me just tell you I chose the worst day to go see the stadium because it was soo foggy and cold. So I had to stand in the cold waiting for the next bus.

The next one came, and it was super crowded. But this time around, I overshot and missed my stop. So I had to get off again and take the bus in the opposite direction (again super crowded). This time around, I swallowed my pride and asked someone to tell me when the stop came so I could get off (sometimes when it comes to navigation, I get kinda stubborn). But I didn't realize that I would have to walk several blocks to get to the transfer bus. I didn't feel like walking (most likely getting lost) in the cold so I just took a taxi to the Stadium.

Even though the construction of the stadium looks pretty much finished, it is still essentially a construction site, so we couldn't go in at all. The best we could do was climb on a giant dirt rock, to peak over the construction fencing. Again, it was super foggy, so my pictures aren't that great. I met some old women from Hong Kong, and it felt good to practice my Cantonese again. Also, I found a TGI Friday's next to the stadium. I spent the next hour or so, following random people around. I saw that some people were able to walk into the construction site, and I wanted to find out how, so I decided to follow people around and try to sneak in after them. After a few duds, I finally followed the right family. I was able to go past the guards, and go into the living area where the construction workers live. And I was able to walk even closer to the area surrounding the stadium. I couldn't enter the inner construction zone, since there were more guards (and by then I had departed from my "family") who had clipboards to check people in with hard hats, so I decided to wander out with my crappy ass foggy pictures.

After that, I took the subway to WangFuJing. There I walked around this giant shopping mall (which has super upscale stores like Louis Vuitton and Coach, the real stuff). They even have a Beard Papa's. It's kinda crazy, the feeling of wealth in that place. The stuff they sell there is expensive even on American standards, so I'm just like, "Who the hell can actually afford all this stuff? And why the hell are we wasting so much damn space and resources on this shit for the small percentage of rich Chinese people and rich expats, when there are thousands of hungry poor people in this country?" It made me feel disgusting.

And hypocrite Wendy, an hour later, I went to the official Olympics store and bought way overpriced souvenirs for my family. And I went to the Metersbonwe store (if someone can give me a non-idiot way to pronounce this word, I'd greatly appreciate it) and bought myself a knee length fluffy black down jacket, because it is freaking cold now. After lots of ups-and-downs with the ATM machine, I finally got all the crap I needed and popped into a McDonald's to sit down and organize my crap (I feel more comfortable loitering in American places).

I set my purse on the table and notice that there's a cut on the side. Silly stupid me, I think to myself, "Huh, did I put a sharp pencil in my bag?" Upon further inspection, I find that someone had made 3 short razor cuts in my bag. Someone had cut my bag to try to steal my stuff!!! Lucky me, nothing was missing. Even though there were 3 razor cuts, only 1 of the cuts made it through the inner liner, and earlier that day I had bought 2 pashminas and stuffed them into my bag. So lucky lucky lucky me, I escaped potential disaster. The thing that makes me feel so stupid though is that I have no idea when it happened and I didn't even notice it, ALL DAY! Thinking back now, it probably happened on the bus, when everyone was shoved so close together. And one thing I wonder is, if someone saw this happening, if someone saw that a person was cutting into my bag to steal my stuff, would anyone speak up and do anything? (Flashback to the cafeteria fight scene). Hmm, I wonder.

Wow, this was wayy too long to tell an anti-climactic story.

Later I'll post pictures of the Olympic stadium and my fun time at the LaoShe teahouse watching Peking Opera and other Chinese performances.

Some food for thought, ever wondered why old things in China are referred to as "ancient" whereas old things in Europe are referred to as "historical?" Here are some vocabulary things I hate, but can't seem to find a practical solution to while living here in China, using "modern" to describe very specific processes and "Western" and "the West" to describe things not Chinese.

beijing drivers are kuhrayzee.

and you know I mean it, cuz I reserve that spelling of crazy for things that are at the highest levels of the crazy meter.

wah wah wah, you've heard this a dozen times, "Beijing traffic is horrible." I'm sure you're thinking, "Well it can't be worse than L.A." Trust me. It is. A lot worse. But I'm not going to talk about the traffic. I guess it's kinda obvious, in a country with a population of 1.3 billion people, and a city with a population of 13 million people, that traffic would be kinda horrendous.

But it's the drivers, that make the traffic situation in Beijing that much more colorful. On bad days, I want to slap someone and scream because sometimes it just doesn't make sense. Honestly. Living in Beijing makes me appreciate the law-abiding drivers in L.A.

When it comes to driving in Beijing, nearly everything is fair game. I'm talking making a U-turn into oncoming traffic, reversing on a one-way street, driving through construction sites, blocking multiple lanes of traffic in order to make a simple three-point turn. Oh yeah, I've seen it all. And what's worse, there are jaywalkers everywhere. I guess it's not called jay-walking here; it's just called making your way across the street. Since cars have the right of way in Beijing, there ain't no way a pedestrian is going to make it across the street unless they're aggressively walking into traffic (think Frogger), pausing between lanes as cars accelerate by.

I don't know how many times I've been in near accidents. Cars often don't signal when switching lanes, so you can imagine how this can get ugly if a person isn't being attentive. So many a time I've had a car swerve into my lane, only to realize at the last minute that oopsy daisy, there's another car there! And one of the few awful things that pop into my head are, "Wow, now I know why people say Chinese people are bad drivers." Cuz of this crazy shit! But if anything, this doesn't make them bad drivers, but more skillful.

I've got so many crazy car stories to share, this post could go on for ages. Like, last Monday, I took a cab to the Qinghua campus, and on the way there, the cab I was in hit another car. We drove down a side road, a road I had been down before. In previous times, the road was filled with people (on the actual road, not only the sidewalks), and the cab I was in was literally weaving left and right, accelerating, and honking at people to get out of his way. On this day however, there weren't as many people, but it was still a tight squeeze. And out of nowhere I hear this thud sound and I gasp loudly, because I know that we hit something. At first I wasn't sure if he would pull over or not, but he eventually did. Turns out, his right view mirror hit the left view mirror of another car and both mirrors were bent out of shape. I didn't really know what to do. There I was, in this cab, with the meter running, and scared that I would be late for work. I decided to run away, even though as I was trying to leave the men assured me that they'd wrap up their conversation quickly. Hm, I've been in China long enough to know that "quickly" can mean hours, so I left.

What other crazy stories do I have to share? So last month, I had a pretty traumatizing cab experience. I was in the front seat of a cab, with two other teachers in the back. We were taking a cab home from a birthday dinner. We had made a stop at a subway station to drop someone off, and now the cab driver had to go through back roads to make a U-turn deal. So we were driving down this one small-ish, dark road. Everything seemed to be normal. There were some people on the road up ahead, the cab driver honked a lot and accelerated down the street (this was all very normal). But out of nowhere, the cab driver kinda swerves a bit, then jerks to a stop. And at the front of the cab, I see a man's bicycle (he was standing next to the bicycle) fall over. Then I see the man grabbing at his hip, and stumbling, and fall to the ground.

OH MY GOD. Did we just hit that man? Did we just fucking crash into the man?! I was shocked and scared and speechless. The next thing that happened was even more frightening though. The cab driver, backed up really really fast (since it was a narrow road, and the guy's body was lying in the middle of it, so the only way out was to back up), made a 3 point turn and drove away really fast. I started yelling at the cab driver, I was so freaked out. Is this really happening!? Did he just fucking hit a guy!? He can't actually just drive away can he?! What's going to happen to that man?! I just spewed curse words and questions for the next ten minutes. And I was completely traumatized because I was in the front seat, and I saw the man's bicycle fall over. After a while though, the other teachers were able to calm me down.

And we started to piece together the facts. And some of this is going to sound absolutely awful and crude. One of the teachers had been told that some people in China in fact fake being hit by a car, because you can apparently get lots of money from the person who hits you. So we thought about what just happened. We didn't hear a thud or the sound of anything actually hitting the car. We just felt the car brake suddenly. The other teachers thought that the way the man grabbed his side and fell was a bit theatrical. The man was standing on the left side of his bicycle, and the cab was on the right side of the bicycle, so we should've been able to hear the sound of his bike hitting the car if it happened; and the impact would've have affected him that much since he was on the other side of the bike. And finally, his friend who was there the whole time, didn't react at all. He just stood there, unfazed. So after all this detective work, I decided that the man probably didn't get hit by the cab, and probably wasn't left for dead in the middle of the road, if only for my own peace of mind. But it still doesn't change the fact that I was absolutely freaked out and traumatized when it happened.

And you know what else is scary? Over worked cab drivers who fall asleep at the wheel. um-hmm. Whenever I go out late at night, I see rows of cabs parked on the street; and about half the time, the driver is passed out on the wheel of the car. It's really quite sad. As I go to more places in Beijing and talk to more workers, I've realized that, at least in the service industry, the normal work day is 12 hours long. For some cab drivers, I'm sure it's even longer.
Talking about buses is a whole other story. It seems that some bus drivers drive forgetting that they've got a bus load of standing passengers to consider. So the result is lots of sudden accelerating and braking, and other jerking (so people are literally falling all over each other), and lots of crazy ass loud honking. Sometimes I get carsick just thinking about it.

Feeling a lot better.

I am trying to take a very proactive approach to life right now. I am not just going to lay in bed and whine and feel sorry for myself (even though I really really want to do this).

So Monday was the day when I felt like I wanted to cry in class. And I was really dreading Wednesday, because that's when I would see my CSP Qinghua class again, and that's the class I have a really hard time with. But I decided that if I am going to dread it that much, then I better be trying my damned hardest to make it as pleasant as possible. So I decided to design a class period that was completely activity based with as little of me talking as possible. AND it worked beautifully. They were energetic, and I was able to direct all that lovely energy towards the activity. So I felt a lot better with myself. It'll take a lot more effort thinking of activities for the students, but I think the students appreciate it. And it will make me feel a lot more effective. So yes Wendy, in order to be a good teacher, you must work hard at it. Oh, I knew this all along.

And last night after work, I walked from the Qinghua campus to Silk Street market. I love cities. And I love walking in cities. And I love walking in cities at night when there are so many pretty lights. And it reminded me of all the things I love about Beijing. I think it was good for me to take myself out of my room for a night, and just explore the city.

So things aren't perfect, but things can be better as long as I make an effort to try. So that will be my plan. Upswing. upswing. upswing.

And my ish with people? It comes and goes. There are those moments I want to slap someone, but I just need to remember to breathe and breathe.

Whew. Patience, Wendy, patience. I hope I come back from China a better, more mature person.

Seasons.

Living in Beijing has proven to me that 4 seasons, in fact, do exist. Having lived in Los Angeles my entire life (in fact, the only times I have not lived in Los Angeles have been when I've been living in Beijing), I thought that winter came when I had to switch from wearing skirts with my flip-flops to wearing jeans with my flip-flops; when it went from 80+ degrees in the summer to a whopping 60 degrees in the winter.

And being in Beijing now, in autumn, I feel pretty excited to experience a true fall and winter. Autumn really is a beautiful season. The trees on campus are turning golden yellow, and the leaves are drying up and falling down.

It started getting cold about 3 weeks ago, but I think I've been adjusting well. And when I say cold, I mean cold by L.A. standards. The temperature here is in the 40s and 50s during the day and drops down to the 30s at night (I'm still thinking in Fahrenheit). I was really cold in the beginning, but now that I've started wearing my pea coat, with scarf, beanie, gloves, and leggings under my jeans (yes folks, we have to wear long underwear every day), I've gotten better at adjusting to the cold. Maybe in a few weeks I'll break out the infamous ear muffs.

But it is only going to get colder. Colder and dryer and grayer. I am not looking forward to the days when all the trees in the city will be barren branches. And I'm thinking that it will probably snow here in January. Though I'm dreading the idea of living in snow and cold, to be honest part of me is a little excited about it. I want to experience it, and prove to myself that I can be hardcore and handle the cold. And then I want to run back to L.A. and stay in the sun forever because after a few days of being cold, I'm pretty sure I'd trade in my long johns for a pair of flip-flops.

But for now, I walk around Beijing decked out in my autumn gear (I need to buy more layers for true winter weather) thinking, "I am so intense. It never gets this cold in Los Angeles, even in the dead of winter. Look at me, I am super hard-core./ Omg omg it's so cold. I wish I had a ski mask to keep my nose warm. Ahh I hate wearing long underwear!" Yes, I'm deep, I know.

Happy post/ Photo mania!

Since I haven't uploaded any photos in a really long time, this is gonna be a big one (hah, overused The Office quote here). I've decided to date the photos and present them in reverse chronological order (with captions!)

Friday, November 9, 2007This is a photo of my world culture class (some students are missing). The teachers decided to treat the students to dinner because they won the Halloween costume contest. We ate at the restaurant above the swimming pool on campus. Yummy in my tummy; though it would've been yummier if I didn't have to avoid the spicy dishes because of my sore throat. Wahh.


Saturday, November 3, 2007
Some of my students invited me to go shopping with them, at 8:30 in the morning! We took the subway and bus for over an hour to go to TianYi market (which is the same market I ventured to when I was abroad). We only stayed there for 20 minutes because the students didn't like the clothes, so we took the bus to another market. There I bought a bajillion and a half pairs of earrings for myself and my little sister. Then we ate hot pot. We ordered wayyy too much food. I didn't get the boots or the coat I had been longing for. The students were majorly disappointed.


Friday, October 26, 2007

Halloween Partay! I literally spent over two hours searching for the perfect dance party '90s jock jams mix to play for the kiddos. This is me with some teachers. The teachers wanted to go for the beauty pageant contestants from each of our states, but I wanted to dress up and embarrass myself in front of the students so I tied a bunch of balloons to myself and went as a bunch of grapes (A California grape from Napa Valley!). I don't think any of the students could guess what I was. And then some snotty boys starting chasing me and popping my balloons.

My boys! All these boys bought the same costume. Cute as all hell. I heart these boys so much. They were too shy to dance, and just kept shoving their friends into the circle.

Sunday, October 21, 2007
This was on a Sunday afternoon after teaching at the Qinghua campus. That's the new CCTV tower in construction. Kinda crazy huh? They're in the process of building a part that is going to connect the two leaning towers.

This is a mock-up of what the final product is going to look like. Crazy huh? Oh yeah, just imagine a layer of brown pollution and a bunch of other buildings covering half of the structure to imagine what the real thing will look like.

Seriously, this is just an example of why China is so amazing. After buying a knock-off power cord for my laptop, I found these two men trying to balance this mess of metal frames and poles on a tricycle cart.

Saturday, October 20, 2007
My third time at the Summer Palace ever. I've got to say this was my most favorite time at the Summer Palace. It was a nice sunny fall day, and it was so relaxing. I could just lay on the rocks by Kunming Lake forever.

Check out the gorgeous sun on the gorgeous lake through the gorgeous trees. And paddle boats! I didn't go on one since we didn't have enough time.

My third time to the Summer Palace but this was actually my first time on this bridge and the little island area. Pretty stuff.

This is the marble boat. That's right, a boat, made out of marble. It looked a lot dinkier than I remember. Yes I just called a marble boat dinky.


Sunday, October 14, 2007
My first ride on the new Number 5 subway line that opened up a few weeks ago. This subway line is ni-ice. I'm talking nice. The other subway lines in Beijing are really old, and so the train cars are dirty and worn. But in addition to the trains being brand new, they made the station all tourist friendly, with Beijing advertisements all over the place and Chinese art and everything.

And of course, part of that means making things look really "Chinese," like traditional Chinese, as shown by the banisters of this staircase. P.S. That person on the left is posing for a picture.

I felt really cheesy and touristy wanting to take pictures of a new subway line, but then I reached the platform and literally every single person there was taking pictures. I think everyone is really impressed by how clean it is and that there are sliding doors (which none of the other lines in Beijing have). There were soo many people taking pictures it was kinda ridiculous. In fact there were people taking pictures of people taking pictures!!! Redonkulous. And inside the train they have the poles that jut out in three for more handle space (like the ones in Bangkok), and an electronic light that shows what stop is coming up next.

Saturday, October 13, 2007
Partying for Tori's birthday. It was a theme party, so it explains the outfits.

Monday, October 8, 2007
Dinner at a delicious sushi restaurant. The restaurant reminded me of something I would find in L.A. It was sooo yummy, and there was avocado!!! I went a second time and gorged myself on tons and tons and tons of free sushi. I found out the owner is a Chinese American guy from SoCal, who is not so generous since the "free" dinner didn't end up being free after all (it was still free for me though since I bailed before the check came)

Sunday, October 7, 2007
"Reunion" dinner (from the National Holiday vacation) with the teachers at Vineyard Cafe. I got lovely red wine and delicious cheesy lasagna from this place. LOVE it.

Sunday, September 30, 2007
Woke up at 4:30 am to go see the flag-raising at Tian'anmen Square. Look at how dark it still was! This was at 5:30 am for the 6:00am flag raising. There was already a crowd. And this guard was literally falling asleep while standing up. I felt sorry for him. Who knows how long he's been standing out there in the cold?

Even though it was the national holiday weekend, the flag raising was pretty uneventful. I mean, it is exactly how it sounds. Guards march out holding the flag, they play the national anthem and they raise the flag. I bet it would've been better if I could actually see something. Too bad practically everyone is the same damn height so all I could see was the back of people's heads. And personal space is non-existent here, so I was pretty up close and personal with some Chinese people.

They had all these special floral arrangements and decorations on Tian'anmen Square for the National Holiday. Behind me is the Monument to the People's Heroes. And the giant picture? I actually have no idea what that guy's name is, but I've seen his picture on a lot of stuff, especially Chinese school books in the states. And yes, it was cold cold cold that morning and everyone was looking at me like a freak for wearing flip-flops.

The Olympic countdown outside the Chinese National Museum. I've never been and it's closed for renovations until years from now. I am bummed, and feeling stupid for not going when I was here two years ago.
Guards marching across the street to enter Tian'anmen Square.

After hanging out at Tian'anmen, I found my way to a baozi (steamed bun) shop. Since it was so early in the morning, they were unloading lots of veggies. Here is a bunch of bok choy. Omg, I've never seen so much bok choy in my life. I kinda don't think they wash veggies before cooking them here, just speculation though. The guy is using the cleaver to slice these bunches of bok choy.

Saturday, September 29, 2007
In the lobby of the Forbidden City concert hall for the Chinese fold music concert.

Look at the outfits! They're uh, kinda awesome, and pink. The instrument on the left is the plucking instrument.

Friday, September 28, 2007
A night out at Area bar. This place was gorgeous. All these curtains and beds to relax on. It felt like a nice club in L.A. that I could probably never afford.

So we showed up ridiculously early and of course were the first ones there. We assumed it would be more happening as it got later into the night. But we ended up being only 1 of two groups of people there. But it was soo much fun cuz it just meant that we dominated the dance floor. :-)

Yayyy all caught up on pictures!

Hodge Podge

which could potentially be really awful depending on who actually reads my blog.

Just random recap of my weeks here since the last post.

Today, I saw a couple having an argument in the middle of campus. The woman was in tears and loudly groaning and occasionally slapping her partner. And of course the first thought in my head was, "Just break up! Just break up! Break up!" Then I realized how insensitive I was being. They're probably in the process of breaking up, and I remember how hard something like that is, so then I mentally chided myself. And the second thing I thought about was why they would be having such a private conversation in such a seemingly public place. Then I remembered that maybe a public courtyard is more private than doing it in your dorm room, since nearly everyone lives in a dorm room with at least 5 other people. That's right people. 6 people to a room! 3 sets of bunk beds, and that's pretty much it. I don't know how they do it. And every day I feel that lucky to have my own bedroom and bathroom.

It happened, for the second time. I started laughing in the middle of teaching. Today it happened in reading class, when I got really excited about telling the students about Left Eye (from TLC) and her fire incident. The article we were reading was about why some people start fires on purpose. The first time I cracked up in class was a few weeks ago when I was teaching my writing class at the Tsinghua campus. Now you have to keep in mind, I teach writing to three sets of students. Usually, the students are done with classes at 3:20 pm. But once a week (for a set of students, twice a week), they have to stay an hour later, and take my class. So you can imagine how antsy they are in my class. During this one period in particular, the kids were all over the place, would not listen, just stared off, whispered to each other, and it was just too ridiculous. I think sometimes students don't realize the view teachers have of the classroom. I'm standing at the front of the class! I see you sleeping/staring/talking! And they act soooo surprised when I call on them when I know they're not paying attention. At one point the whole situation was too funny, I was just in complete disbelief and had to just start laughing in class. I don't think anyone else knew why. I tried to hide behind my book, but it was just too strong.

I've got this horrible sore throat. I'm not sick just yet, but I'm sure it's coming. I've been screaming a lot. Not yelling at the students. Just projecting like crazy. Reasons. 1. The acoustics in some of the classrooms are horrible. Just echo like mad. 2. Sometimes I get really annoyed at the students not paying attention, so for some stupid reason I just think, well if I talk louder then they won't be able to sleep! 3. Talking louder helps my pronunciation, at least I think it does. It's a lot easier to do the clear-talking, patronizing, enunciation when you're half-way screaming. I can't help myself. I don't think the students notice though. I think they just think I'm trying to be really clear. (I have gotten compliments on my pronunciation. GO California accent! P.S. I'm the only teacher here from California).

Sometimes I think I'm an awful teacher. I have reached that level of impatience where I've resorted to singling out and embarrassing the students who don't listen. Common technique. I'm at the front of the class talking. Student A is obviously not paying attention. Student A is outrightly talking to another student while I'm talking. Whoa, major disrespect. What makes me more evil is that while this is happening I'm thinking, "Student A, what the hell do you think you're doing talking while I'm talking. Of all the damn people in the class, you of all people should be paying attention," while I mock their inability to speak English properly in my head.

Then I call on the student. I ask, "Student A, question question question." Silence. Again, "Student A, question question question." Still silence. "Student A, question question question." (If you haven't noticed, I'm a big fan of repeating myself 15 times). Then I step up the assholish-ness to a brand new level. "Student A, do you know the answer?" Silence. "No?" Silence, occasional shaking of the head. "Why don't you know the answer?" "You don't know the answer because you were talking, while I was talking. (Imagine lots and lots of pausing and nodding while I'm saying this) Why are you at this school? Why are you learning English? If you actually want to learn English, then you need to pay attention in class, RIGHT? You can speak Chinese anytime you want after class, but when you are in class, you need to speak in English, OKAY?" Then I continue on with my patronizing slow teacher-speak for the rest of class. And I feel so awful that I have to just look at the rest of the class and only look back at Student A occasionally. And at the end of class, I feel absolutely exhausted and drained and like a big fat meanie, which I am. And that is why I deserve to have a sore throat right now. But seriously? You'd be surprised how many students fall right back asleep/go right back to not paying attention right after I called them out on their shit.

Oh Wendy and your procrastinating, slow to change ways. I finally cleaned up the pile of laundry that has been sitting on my floor for the past 2 weeks. ie. I re-hung all my dirty clothes because I'm too lazy to actually do laundry. I think few people would guess this about me, but I'm actually really disgusting. For the past 2-3 weeks, I had been wearing worn dirty socks, every day, because I didn't want to do laundry (in my defense, laundry is a major pain here in China, since there are no dryers. And the washing machines here really suck and everything comes out with lint all over it). But yeah, I still need to sweep up all the dust and hair that has accumulated over the past few weeks. This morning a woman knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted a cleaning service (since our dorm building doubles as a hotel, and I think I'm living in one of the designated "hotel" rooms, so she probably got mixed up that morning), but I said no because I was too embarrassed about my room (and cuz I was in a rush).

I'm thinking about getting into astrology. Completely out of character I know. But something about this non-sense kinda intrigues me. I'm a cancer. Cancers are apparently really emotional, sensitive, clingy, social and reserved, full of contradictions, procrastinators. I would say all those are true about me except for the clingy part. But then again, I know that this zodiac stuff is written to fit practically everyone, and people always only pick out the points that are accurate to focus on. But yeah, still fun.

I've kinda sorta been drinking a lot of Long Island Iced Teas. That's not really healthy. Granted it's a step up from my previous drink of choice (vodka redbull), but yeah, that's not saying much as far as my class/taste level.

Oh yeah, I got a massage two weeks ago, and it pretty much felt like someone beat up my back. It was awesome. And I was majorly sore afterwards.

And I went shopping with some of my students this past weekend. It was fun, but exhausting. We went at 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday! By choice (of course not mine, but still.. their choice!).

Also, today I discovered this awesome chicken lettuce sandwich type thing here. A sandwich!? The thing I've been craving. It's kinda a cross between a pita and a burger sandwich. They slice fatty roast chicken off a skewer, mix it up with lettuce and onions and douse it in sauce. They stuff it into a round pita bun. And we eat directly from the plastic bag. Golden.

Hey everyone! I got a new niece! I am now the aunt to 2 nephews and 2 nieces! And for anyone that missed the memo, I'm going to Mexico in May of 2008. Puerto Vallarta and maybe (probably) L.A.

Too lazy to update

But I wanted to tell you that I got a new student in one of my classes named T-Mac. Yes, T-Mac, after Tracy McGrady of the Houston Rockets. I had to have him write his name down on a sheet of paper, just to confirm what I actually heard. He wrote his name down, and told me that the hyphen was for "decoration."

Just a short post on the English names my Chinese students have picked for themselves. Some are straight-up bizarre. The ones that are the worst, are the ones that are perfectly common American English names, but that the student can barely pronounce. And as I've noticed with native Chinese speakers, those are the names with a bunch of R's and L's and TH's. I once met a student named Carl, and it took about 3 and a half minutes for me to figure out what his name was, even after he spelled it out for me.

But as for the really bizarre ones, I have a student named Winy, pronounced just like the name Winnie, but spelled Winy. Oh yes, intentionally. Here's the story. Her Chinese name is Ying, which is translated as the verb "to win." So she used that word, win, and added a Y at the end because her name Ying begins with a Y. Uhhh....Yep, makes perfect sense to me too.

Other favorites: Stone, Penn, Rainy, Maizie, Rocky, and Condy. I've been meaning to ask Condy if he knows about Condoleezza, but I keep forgetting.